Alive

Remus Lupin roamed the magical mansion with empty, haunted eyes. He fed Buckbeak and returned to the lower level, settling down in the empty sitting room only to stare out into space for what felt like an eternity.

Time was passing too slowly; he could not speed it up no matter how hard he tried.

Life felt... lifeless.

A clock ticked. Remus sighed. Those noises were all that could be heard in the house since...

He couldn't bring himself to say it---even in his mind.

Since he kicked Kreacher out.
Since the rest of the Order went off, living their lives.
Since Remus fell into a deep depression.
Since...
Since...
Since Sirius fell through the Veil and disappeared from his life.

But, Sirius had yet to fade from his heart and memories; maybe if he had disappeared from those places as well, Remus would have a chance at living an almost-normal life again. But, he couldn't expel the dark, rugged, passionate man from his heart so easily, and everywhere he went he could see nothing but his lover.

One morning, he went into the kitchen and he found himself staring at the place where Sirius had stood and made breakfast wearing nothing but an apron.

Hiding from the kitchen's memories, he went into the library, and all he could think about were the times Sirius came in to distract him from his research.

After Remus tore the books from the shelves and broke vase of flowers in a grief-stricken rage, he fled to his bedroom.

The memories there had been the strongest. So many nights, so many morning, so many private moments swimming in his mind and causing his stomach to churn until he threw up everything he had worked so hard against his pain to eat.

The sitting room was relatively safe. It had been one of the most public rooms, and very little had happened their between them.

Wrapped in an old blanket, Remus stared into space and worked at keeping his mind blank. It was easier if he could shut the world out and ignore everything in his mind.

~*~

Harry's mind was finally blank. He didn't know how he did it---he wasn't even thinking about how blank his mind was. In fact, he wasn't thinking at all. He was lying in bed, eyes fixed on a random place on the wall. Hedwig was in her cage; the door was open, though, so sometimes she would fly over to him and perch above him. She would wait and watch, but nothing would happen so she'd return to her cage or leave the room through the open window.

After several hours, Harry would drift off to sleep.

Before this blank mental state, his dreams chased him like the sharp tail of a whip; they'd wake him up, make his heart pound, sting his eyes with tears that would not fall onto his cheeks.

But, then, he achieved thoughtlessness and the dreams stopped. If he would think about it, he'd find that he couldn't tell the different between being awake and being asleep.

Aunt Petunia called him a zombie, to Uncle Vernon, but Harry didn't hear it. They left the door unlocked and open, but he didn't know he was free if he wanted. He didn't know anything but the facts that he was in his bed---that was all he allowed himself to know.

On the second Sunday back from Hogwarts, Dudley came in and punched him---deep down, he didn't really want Harry to know they were concerned about his behavior, so a punch to the arm seemed like an appropriate test---but Harry couldn't be bothered to react too much.

"If he dies," Petunia whispered to her husband in the doorway, as they had seen their son march into Harry's room and followed out of curiosity. "I... I don't know what---"

"What's wrong with him?" Vernon asked. "Does he have a tumor or something?"

Harry drifted off to sleep after this point, and their muffled conversation slipped even further away from him. He was completely cut off, on a deserted island, and no one could reach him.

~*~

Remus woke up with a start. After a moment, he tried to pinpoint the sound that had woken him up, and he discovered that Buckbeak was stomping upstairs in Mrs. Black's bedroom. He sighed and pushed himself up, walking slowly to the stairs and then to the room. He stopped along the way to pick up a tattered burlap bag of rats that he had collected earlier that day, and then he proceeded into the room.

Once Buckbeak was cleaned and fed, he started to wander back to the main level of the house again. On the last staircase, he thought he heard someone else's footsteps; however, he dismissed the idea without another thought.

He knew he was just imagining footsteps. No one came by to visit unannounced anymore; and no one else lived there.

Heavy-heartedly, he descended the last few stairs and rounded the corner. As he sighed, he thought he heard a rattling in the kitchen.

A pot. A spoon on a pot? Maybe on a pan.
Hold on---who's cooking in the empty house?

With narrowed eyes, Remus stopped walking and tilted his head to tip his ear down the hall. He waited. Similar noises met his ears. Then, he heard a sharp, whispered 'bloody hell!' and quickly decided that he was insane and imagining things very well.

But, he still crept to the room. Wand drawn, he waited a beat before swinging the door open. Then, he pushed hard and jumped into the room.

Bill Weasley jumped back from the stove, eyes wide and hands raised. "Remus! Hold on! Wait! It's me---Bill, I---"

Remus sagged against the door frame as he relaxed. "Merlin," he panted. "What are you... what are you doing here?"

"Mum told me to come by and get some things that Dad had left here," Bill quickly explained. "I'm home on vacation and just... I've been running errands."

"And... what are you doing here?"

Bill's worried expression cracked into a tiny smile. "Oh. Well, I saw you sleeping. You're a fright, Lupin, so I'm planning to bully you into eating something tonight."

"Bill---"

The redheaded man waved a hand to cut him off and he turned back to the stove. "Go ahead, tell me off. Be a bugger like you've been to everyone else who comes to call."

"You're---"

"Dead right," Bill interrupted again. "Why don't you sit down there, at the table, and this'll be done in a minute."

Remus sighed, ran a hand through his disheveled hair, and obeyed Bill's request. He sat down and watched the other man move around the kitchen. He used very little magic as he cooked what appeared to be an omelet of some sort, and hummed the melody of a song as he did so. His head bobbed a little to the beat; his fang-shaped earring wavered a little and the bone reflected the little light that was in the room.

"Here," Bill said, turning with breakfast food on the plate. "Eat up."

At first, Remus' stomach churned at the idea of eating anything, but then he caught sight of the eggs, sausage, chips, and fried bread, and his stomach made a rumbling noise.

"It's just a fry-up, but it's good," Bill assured him. "If I had known how little you have stocked here, I'd've gone out and picked up some muffins, or something, but---"

"This is fine," Remus said quietly.

Bill smiled and then joined him at the table. They ate in a comfortable silence; Remus wanted to thank him for cooking, but when he opened his mouth he found the words had trouble coming out. Bill smiled again and nodded, and then returned to his own plate.

When they were both done, Remus took the plates to the sink and filled the basin with warm sudsy water. Bill sighed and came up behind him, stopping almost at his right side.

"You don't have to do that," he said softly.

"Yeah, I do," Remus replied in a small voice. "One cooks, the other cleans."

Bill frowned when he heard the man's voice tremble a bit. He dared to put his hand on Remus' shoulder; then, he squeezed it a bit. "I'm sorry, Lupin," he whispered. "About Sirius--"

"It's alright," Remus said quickly, quietly, not wanting to talk about his loss.

"No, it's not," Bill insisted. "Have you talked to anyone about it?"

"I don't need to."

Bill made a noise of disapproval. Remus sighed and started scrubbing at the dishes.

"Don't you think---"

"I don't need to talk about it," Remus said on a near-growl. He pushed himself away from the sink, and sought the dirty pans and cooking utensils.

"Remus," Bill said in a more gentle tone. "Come off it."

"What do you want me to say?" he hissed sharply, scrubbing one of the pans with furious hand movements.

"Say whatever you're thinking," Bill said with a shrug.

Remus shook his head slightly and kept scrubbing the dishes. Once they were brilliant and sparkling, Bill blinked and watched as he kept scrubbing.

"Remus---"

He snorted and kept cleaning, using the distraction to prevent the conversation from continuing.

"Hey."

Remus was about to continue cleaning, but Bill grabbed both of his wrists and squeezed enough so he dropped the pan and the sponge.

"What?" Remus barked.

"Let's sit."

"I don't want to talk about it!"

Bill sighed. "Fine. We won't talk about it. But... if you do... decide to, then you should because I'm one of the few people that knows about you two. The truth, I mean."

Remus blinked back an unexpected tear, and then numbly followed him into the sitting room. He knew that Bill was someone he could talk to, since they had tried to date once, since Bill figured out who Remus was eternally in love with.

They sat, and Bill wrapped an arm around Remus' shoulders. "You want to sleep?" he asked.

"I can't... I can't be bothered anymore."

"You should care, Lupin. You're a fright. You weren't meant to grow a beard," Bill whispered. "I know that you go off taking care of yourself when things don't turn out right, but you're falling apart completely. It's not on."

Remus closed his eyes and sighed. After a long minute, he voiced the two words he never wanted to hear. "He's gone," he said on a shaky whisper.

"I know," Bill whispered back. "But, you couldn't have done anything different."

"I told him to stay put. I told him. I... we fought about it. He wanted to save Harry. He didn't listen to me."

Bill raised an eyebrow. "Did he ever listen to you?"

Remus smiled sadly and shook his head. "Nah..."

"He doesn't have any regrets... well, he probably wishes you two made up properly," Bill added with a tight laugh. "But, he knew what he was getting into and he probably wanted to keep an eye on you, too."

When Remus sighed and closed his eyes, while his lower lip trembled, Bill adjusted their positions. They were lounging on the sofa at this point, Remus resting against the redheaded man while he tried to get a firmer grip on his emotions. Bill rested his head against Remus' and sighed.

"Sleep if you feel like it," Bill whispered.

"Mmmpf," Remus mumbled.

Bill's lips stretched into a slow smile as he heard Remus' breathing even out and felt his body sag. Within instants, Remus was soundly sleeping.

~*~

When Remus woke up, he felt entirely disorientated. He blinked slowly, and tried to look around to figure out where he was. It was a bedroom, but it wasn't the one he shared with Sirius. After a minute, he deduced that it was one of the first floor's guest bedrooms.

He tried to roll onto his back, but found that he was held down by Bill's arm. He turned his head and saw that the other man was sleeping soundly. A faint smile graced Remus' face while he watched the redhead sleep, snoring occasionally. When Bill made a face and rolled a bit, Remus made a soft noise and slowly extricated himself from Bill's hold on him.

Sitting up, he rubbed a hand over his face and stifled a small yawn. He glanced at the clock on the bedside table and saw that he had been sleeping for a few hours.

Bill sniffed and then inhaled deeply as he woke up.

"Sorry," Remus whispered. "Didn't mean to wake you."

"Ohhh... don't. I didn't mean to nod off, but after levitating you to the bedroom, I felt a little sleepy," Bill whispered back with a smile, his voice thick from sleep.

"It's fine," Remus assured him.

Bill studied his friend for a minute, and then he grinned. "I think it's time for a shower and shave, Lupin," Bill said. "How d'you feel 'bout that?"

"I don't."

Bill smirked. "I could force you. I'm getting the hang of levitation spells again."

"You wouldn't."

"Try me," Bill shot back.

Remus groaned. "You're so bloody annoying."

"I know," Bill said with another grin.

"Do you need help finding your father's things?" Remus said slowly, smiling a bit again.

With a laugh, the redhead pushed himself up and headed out of the room. Remus flopped back down onto the mattress and closed his eyes; when he heard water running the the bathroom, he groaned and waited for the man to return.

"C'mon, Lupin."

"No."

"Yes."

"No," he said again, sounding like a petulant child.

"Do you want me to levitate you to the lavatory?"

Remus paused and thought about his threat. He sighed. "No," he muttered, before pushing himself off of the bed.

"Proper thing," Bill said, biting back a chuckle, following Remus down the hall.

It took a while to undress Remus and propel him into the shower. While Bill waited for him to finish, he shaved and brushed his teeth, and then went back to the bedroom for a few minutes.

By the time he returned, Remus was out of the shower, wrapped in a warm robe. Bill had changed his clothes. Remus raised an eyebrow and asked, "You left clothes here?"

"Nah, I---" he stopped short. "These are my dad's," he amended.

Remus narrowed his eyes and studied the outfit. "Y'know, I've never seen your father wearing jeans with frayed rips in them."

Bill blushed. "No?" At Remus' more pronounced raised eyebrow, Bill's defenses collapsed and he said, "Alright, alright. Mum called me and said you've shut yourself up in here and after you tossed her and Dad out the last time they tried to cheer you up, she didn't think you'd want them around."

"So, she sent you to check up on me."

"More or less," Bill said in a small voice.

"I don't need a baby-sitter."

"Nah... but you might need a friend," Bill said. "Are you gonna shave, or will I?"

"I'll do it," Remus grumped, ignoring Bill as he hopped up onto the counter to watch. The other man smiled and leaned back, resting his ginger head against the wall. Remus lathered some cream up and started shaving. "So," he said, with his lips stretched out tight. "How long're you here?"

"Until you're feeling better."

Remus grunted and cleaned the razor blade in the sink before starting again. "I'm fine," he said on an exasperated sigh.

"Well, you're looking a bit better," Bill admitted. "But... you'd blow away in the wind if I sent you outside right now. Skin and bones, you are---"

"I haven't been hungry."

That was a lie, and the moment Remus let the words slip past his lips he felt a twinge in his stomach. The truth was that the full moon was coming closer and all Remus could think about was gorging himself on all he desired; however, that made him think of the past few moons that were spent with Sirius at his side, and then he felt a pit of despair open up inside of him.

"Hey," Bill said, shaking him from his thoughts. "Lupin?"

Remus blinked and forced a tiny smile onto his face. "Hmm? Sorry about that. I was... thinking."

"I know what's coming up..."

"Oh, do you?"

"Yeah. You don't have to lie about it."

Remus blinked, surprised. "Well... I don't like to talk about it."

"Maybe we should have a memorial or something," Bill suggested, handing Remus a towel when his face was free of the white foam. "I mean... it might be sad, but you need to start talking about him or at least looking at him positively."

"A memorial?" Remus asked, confused.

"Well, yeah. Your... anniversary's in a couple weeks, isn't it? Mum said---"

"Stop channeling your mum," Remus scolded.

"But---"

"I'm fine. I'm actually going to be out of town then, so---"

Bill smiled. "Where're you off to? Want company?"

"Don't you have a job... and y'know, a life?"

"I do, but you're so fun to be around," Bill shot back, making Remus snort as he cleaned his mustache up. He tilted his head and studied Remus' jaw. "Hey... you missed a spot. Gimme your razor---"

"Watch it!"

"Shhh," Bill scolded in a hissing voice. "Hold still."

Remus rolled his eyes and huffed loudly as Bill carefully shaved the spot clean. Bill leaned in and examined his work, and then glanced up at Remus. "Done?" he asked.

"Y-yeah," Bill replied, smiling unsteadily after swallowing a lump in his throat.

"Thanks," Remus said softly.

"That's what I'm here for," Bill said, smiling more before he pushed himself off of the counter. "I'm going to make some... coffee? No, wait, you need hot chocolate. Find me in the kitchen when you're dressed."

~*~

Hedwig hooted loudly as she dropped the scroll of parchment on Harry's chest. He didn't stir, staring up at the ceiling with a blank expression on his face. After a minute, he rolled onto his side, casting the letter to the floor.

The snowy white owl made a squawking noise, disgruntled by the boy's behavior, and then she perched herself on his headboard. After a few minutes she dropped to the floor, gathered some of the letters in her talons and then she flew out of the window again.

~*~

Remus looked up. "What?"

"Have you spoken to Harry lately?" Bill repeated over his mug of hot chocolate, two days later. Bill had yet to leave, and Remus didn't have the strength to ask him to. As uninvited as Bill Weasley was, he was glad to have a little company to fill the silence.

He shook his head. "No... I... I thought---"

"He's not answering any of Mum's owls---or Ron's. I haven't heard if he's speaking to that girl... um, Hermione? Yeah. No, as far as I know, he's cut himself off from everyone."

Remus sighed. "Well... we all grieve differently."

"Yes, and your style is brilliantly popular. You, Sirius, and James were all alike," Bill recounted. "What makes you think Harry's not like his father in that way?"

"He's probably just---"

"Shut himself up in his bedroom---or wherever those muggles put him---and refused to talk to anyone," Bill said with an arched eyebrow.

"You're dead wrong."

"Why don't you go see him?" Bill suggested.

"Because."

"Because it'll be hard on you?"

"No," Remus grunted, frowning again.

"Lupin."

They heard the hooting of an owl, and that made Bill jump up and head to the front door. Grimmauld Place was not the best for sending and receiving owls because of the magic installed on the house. Remus looked up curiously as a snowy white owl flew into the kitchen, hooting loudly.

Hedwig. Harry's owl.

"Hedwig?" Remus asked softly.

She flapped until she was on the kitchen table, dropping the scrolls across the table. Bill came into the room and looked at Remus. "I think you've got some mail."

He opened the first one and scanned its contents. "Um... no. This is Harry's mail. From Ron. It's dated..."

When he trailed off and hummed a little under his breath, Bill came up behind him and leaned closer to see. "He sent that the first day back from Hogwarts."

"Why did she bring them here?"

"Maybe Harry can't answer them."

Remus sighed. "Well, his aunt and uncle are the strict kind. Maybe they locked the windows again."

"You believe that?"

Remus shrugged. "I don't know what to believe... what do you---"

"He's upset and not answering his mail. Hedwig didn't know what to do," Bill said simply, shrugging as he sat down again. He reached out and touched Remus' arm. "You have to go see him."

"No, I don't," Remus replied, bristling.

"Yes, you---"

"Yes, you do."

Both men turned and saw Minerva McGonagall standing in the doorway. Dressed in proper clothes and a hat, she looked down at them through her spectacles.

Bill's jaw dropped open. "Hi."

"Hello, William." she said stiffly, taking a few steps closer. She held out her arm and offered Remus a jar of liquid. "Severus sent this for you. He'll bring more next week."

"Great," Remus replied with an awkward smile. He stood up and headed to the back of the kitchen to drink the potion.

Meanwhile, Bill looked up at her, trying not to see her as his teacher, and asked, "Is Harry alright?"

"No, he's not. He won't even answer Albus' owls, so you can imagine---" she stopped her rapid response and took a breath. Her next words came out in the even tone both men had come to expect from her. "He's sent spies, and found that Harry is acting similarly to you, Remus."

After swallowing the last drop of potion, Remus turned and wiped his lips up a bit. "What do you mean?"

"He's been in bed for weeks," Minerva explained. "He's not eating. Even the Dursley's are becoming concerned." She paused, tilted her head, and added, "Of course, they're probably afraid for themselves, imagining what would happen if they let that boy starve to death."

Remus' hard expression softened slightly. "I can't... I..."

"Sirius would want you to go to him," she said firmly, eyes glaring at him.

He sighed. "But---"

"No buts."

Remus looked at her and felt a strange twinge. All of a sudden he was reminded of the time she had caught himself and Sirius out of bed well past curfew. She glared at them with a similar expression on her face---but that time, neither of them had minded because they had spent the night snogging in the empty library.

His eyes became blurry; tears stung them, demanding to fall onto his cheeks. Remus inhaled sharply and blinked them away.

"You have to," she said more softly. "Stop thinking about what it means to you."

"I---"

"He's the son of one of your best friends, and the godson of your other best friend," she reminded him. "You can't blame him for what---"

"I don't blame him!"

"Then go and see him. He'll need medical attention soon, and I don't want him ending up in a muggle hospital," she said with a slight shiver. "I see Hedwig brought you his mail. She brought it to the school, but Albus had her send it here. After a few days, he might feel like reading it."

"He can't stay here."

"Why not?" Minerva demanded curtly. "He'll be safe here."

"Not as safe as---"

"He's not well off there anymore. He's too weak to protect himself."

Bill sighed and put his hand on Remus' arm. "Okay, Professor McGonagall. We'll... we'll go get him."

"Good! What're you waiting around for?"

"Now?" Remus asked, eyes wide. He had hoped to at least have a day to prepare himself. He didn't blame Harry---as he had told Minerva---but he did feel a slight bit of apprehension at seeing the boy again. Would Harry hate him? What would happen when they tried to heal? What would happen when the full moon rose high into the night sky?

"Yes, now! Albus wants me to stay until you return and fetch him," she said firmly. "Bill... maybe you should pour me some of that warm drink. It's very windy outside and I feel a chill sinking into my weary bones."

~*~

Remus paced outside the home at number four Privet Drive of Little Whinging, Surrey. He was nervous. He looked at the muggle car he had rented and briefly considered running back to it and taking off for London again, but he decided against it.

A thin, displeased woman opened the door. "Yes?" she asked with a scowl on her face.

He took his hands out of his warm fleece coat---borrowed from Bill, who liked some of the muggle fashions---and smiled awkwardly. "Mrs. Dursley?"

"Yes..."

"Hi. My name is Re--- well, that doesn't matter. I'm one of Lily's and James' friends," he said in a soft voice. "I heard Harry wasn't well, and I was sent---"

Petunia all but pulled him into the house. "He's upstairs," she said softly, hurriedly. "My husband isn't home yet, so if you could hur---"

Remus nodded and put a hand on Petunia's arm to calm her and to hopefully persuade her to release his arm. "Yes, yes. Alright. Is he upstairs?"

"The first right," she said quietly. "Please---"

"Do you have any chocolate?" he asked. "I meant to buy some, but I was in such a hurry to get here, and then I---"

Petunia darted off into the kitchen. Remus followed her with his eyes. He couldn't help but wonder what he should be thinking; he had met Lily's sister once before, and thought that it was a good thing Lily found James and left the muggles' world behind, but seeing her in that concerned state made him consider that she was not the completely icy creature everyone had assumed her to be.

"Here," she said rushing back a few minutes later with a mug in one hand and a small box in the other. "Hot chocolate," she said, passing him the mug, minding the spoon resting in it. Then, she passed him the box. "It's only baking chocolate, but I can't give you my Diddykins' sweets---"

Not wanting to hear the reason, Remus smiled and nodded. "Alright. Thank you. First right after the staircase?"

"Yes."

Remus gave her an awkward smile and then he traveled up the stairs. He had seen this much of the house before, but the second level was a mystery to him. He found Harry's room, by Petunia's directions and by the sight of an animal's trap door along the bottom.

He tapped twice on the closed door. "Harry?"

Hearing no response, he opened the door and peaked inside. The room was in disarray. Hedwig's cage was open, as was the window, and parchment was scattered all over the floor. In the bed, there was a tight ball covered by old blankets. It wasn't moving.

Remus inched closer. "Harry? It's Prof--- it's Lupin," he said softly as he came around to the other side of the bed. "Harry?" His eyes opened and Remus kneeled down in front of him. He smiled awkwardly. "Hi... I, I thought..." he sighed once. "I was worrying about you."

Harry blinked and swallowed, but didn't say anything.

"I even think your Aunt Petunia's a little concerned---bet you didn't think that was possible, now, did you?"

The teenaged boy cracked a small smile. Remus smiled back. "There we go... now, can you sit up a bit? I've got some chocolate here."

When he got nothing but a slight shift in position as a response, Remus rolled his eyes and brought a spoonful of the chocolatey liquid up to Harry's lips. "I haven't tasted this... but it smells about right," he told Harry. "Sip slowly."

Harry obeyed, and they carried on for a few minutes like that; Remus fed him until he saw the colour return in the boy's cheeks.

"Now, how about you try to eat some?" he asked, holding up the box.

"Nuhhungie."

"Mmm... I think you're lying," he commented as he unwrapped the package. "We've got a nice drive ahead of us, so you should eat up now."

"Nuh."

Remus smiled. "Alright then," he said as he put the package away. "You can try it later."

With a wave of his wand, Harry's things began packing themselves into his trunk. Harry grunted wordlessly. Remus smiled again. "We're going back to the headquarters until it's time for you to go back to school," he explained. "Everyone believes you'll be safe there."

Harry sighed and closed his eyes.

"I'll be right back, Harry," he continued talking, once the trunk was packed. "I'm going to pack your things and then I'll come for you."

He moved Harry's things out into the hall and down to the car, and after packing them into the trunk, he headed back into the house. He wasted no time in gathering Harry up into his arms; and then he descended down the stairs. Petunia was waiting at the door, holding it open, nibbling nervously on her lower lip.

"Thank you," Remus said softly, smiling in her direction. "I'll send you word if you---"

"Yes," she said in a soft rush of breath. "Thank you."

He smiled and nodded, and then walked out of the house. Harry winced at the bright daylight, but didn't complain; Remus put him in the passenger seat and helped him buckle up. Then, he walked around to the right side of the car and got in. After a minute, he turned the key and they were on their way.

~*~

When Remus came in with Harry in his arms, Hedwig hooted loudly, Minerva rushed into the room, and Bill headed outside to get the trunk and to take the car back to the rental place.

"Here, here," the older woman said, leading the way to one of the spare bedrooms on the first floor. "We prepared a room---"

"Thank you," Remus replied, smiling. His voice was quiet. "He had some chocolate before leaving, but he fell asleep during the drive and I didn't have the heart to wake him."

"That's best," she agreed. She pulled the covers off of the bed and Remus placed the sleeping boy on the mattress. They tucked him in and then Minerva sat next to him. She brought her hand up and smoothed it over his forehead. She whispered a few words under her breath and Remus watched as Harry's body relaxed more.

She turned to look at him. "Madame Pomfrey suggested a light sedative," she explained.

"Ah," he replied, nodding.

"Let's have some tea," she suggested. "Then, we'll see him when he wakes up."

~*~

He walked down the street, looking at the playground like it would be a good place for a rest. After sitting on one of the swings, he heard a few twigs snap. Padfoot walked up to him, eyes dark, nose twitching to catch smells in the air.

He reached out and patted him. Padfoot snuggled up briefly, and then, his lips curled and he let out a long, low growl before twisting, opening his mouth, and snapping down hard on his hand.

Harry bolted out of bed, gasping for breath. He looked wildly around the room, couldn't figure out where he was, and then started fumbling for his glasses.

The images of his dream replayed constantly behind his eyes as he tried to make his system level off. As he saw his trunk, and then the pictures on the walls, he realised how familiar this place was and relaxed somewhat.

"Good morning," Remus said from the doorway.

"H-hi," Harry whispered.

"We're having breakfast in the kitchen, if you'd like to eat."

He nodded jerkily.

"You look a lot better," the man said, coming closer. "Professor McGonagall gave you a light sleeping spell so you could actually rest."

Harry's brow furrowed. "Professor McGon---she was here?"

"She still is. She and Professor Dumbledore have been very worried about you."

"Is... is Dumbledore---"

"No, he could not make it," Remus replied in a soft voice. "We unpacked your things. You should be able to find everything in the wardrobe. Your books and things are at the desk. Hedwig's with Buckbeak right now."

"Ohhh. Oh. Alright then," Harry said, sounding very small. He scrunched his face up and then asked, "Do Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon know I'm here?"

Remus sat down. "I spoke with your aunt before I brought you here. You even gave them quite a scare."

"They still think I have a murderer for a godfather," Harry whispered. His voice became hollow. "I haven't had a chance to tell them---"

When his voice had trembled, Remus touched Harry's arm. "There, there," he whispered. "It's alright. When you feel up to it, you can send them an owl and tell them you're living with a werewolf. Perhaps that will have an equally rattling effect on them."

Harry smiled tightly. "I... I... thank you, Professor Lupin, for---"

"Don't call me that," Remus said quietly. "Remus or Lupin is just fine."

"Still."

"We're family, I suppose. In an odd way."

Harry felt a small sense of comfort at Remus' words. "Ye-yeah."

"They would all want you to be safe. Now that Kreacher is gone, this house seems to be the best place for you."

He smiled more, the half-hearted joke tickling him a bit. "Most likely."

"Bill Weasley's here, too... do you remember him?"

"Y-yeah. Is Ron... is Ron here?"

Remus shook his head. "No, he's still at the Burrow. Of course, if you wanted to see him or Hermione---"

"No," Harry said, too quickly, not ready to see his friends. They would be awkward around him and they would want to talk about everything that had happened at the Ministry of Magic. Harry wasn't ready to deal with that---or anything else, really, for that matter.

The man smiled a little. "Alright. Well, whatever you're up for, right?"

"Thank you."

"Did you sleep well?"

Harry paled again. "I had a dream," he mumbled. "It wasn't good."

"I've been dreaming, too," Remus admitted. "Our minds work that way, to process the things we're afraid to process when we're awake. It's perfectly acceptable."

After running a hand through his hair, Harry nodded. "Y-yeah, but..."

"They're only dreams," Remus said gently. "I know they may seem quite vivid, but they're all in your mind. And..." he slowly added. "If you want to discuss them, I'm always here. No matter how painful you might think they'll be---you know what I mean?"

"Yes."

Remus smiled and touched Harry's shoulder. "Alright, then. Do you feel up to eating something? Bill's been cooking again."

"Is that a good thing?"

Remus chuckled. "Yes. He's actually very adept at making breakfast foods. It's all very safe to try."

"Well, okay. I... I just..."

"Wash up, change your clothes. We'll wait for you."

"I can---"

"No, you should wash and change first," Remus said, smirking a little.

Harry blushed and ducked his head down. Remus tousled his hair lightly and then stood up. "I'll be out shortly," Harry promised to Remus' retreating form. Remus smiled over his shoulder, waved, and then left the room and proceeded down the hallway.

~*~

It wasn't until after the first full moon that Remus noticed how well Harry was adjusting. The colour had returned to his cheeks, he had put some weight back on, and he was talking more. Not about anything pertaining to his godfather, Remus noted, but about more than he had in the beginning. Buckbeak, Hedwig, Bill's regular visits, and summer homework assignments were all very acceptable topics.

After a week of recovering from his awful transformation, Remus woke up in his bed and smelled something divine wafting in the air. He grabbed his dressing robe and put it on, before finding his slippers and shuffling to the bedroom with the assistance of his cane.

Once he arrived in the doorway, Harry turned and smiled. "Good morning," he replied, more brightly than he had since arriving at the house. "I thought I'd make breakfast. I asked Bill to pick up some food the last time he was here---"

Remus made an exhausted noise that was trying so hard to be laughter, after glancing at the oven and saw a chocolate cake baking. "You made cake!"

"Chocolate cake. Your favorite."

"As long as there's chocolate icing," Remus replied. He made that noise again when he saw Harry hold up a container of what claimed to be chocolate icing. "Is this a muggle thing?"

"Aunt Petunia hates it when people don't make their own icing---she says they're so lazy---but when she doesn't have time to do it, I catch her with one of these. It's almost as good as the homemade kind."

"Fascinating. I like this idea... very much."

Harry smiled again and then took the cake out of the oven when he heard the sharp ring of the timer. "Once it's plenty cool, I can ice it, and then we can eat."

"Sounds good to me. Would you like coffee? I can put a pot---"

Harry held up the pot, full of coffee. Remus smiled and took it from his hand. "Thank you."

"No problem," Harry replied.

"What's all this about, Mr. Potter?" Remus asked.

The teenaged boy shrugged. "Just felt like... doing something." He shrugged again and then pushed his glasses up his nose. "Something that's not my summer projects, anyway."

"How are they going?"

"Oh. I suppose I'm getting along..." he said with another tiny shrug.

"What did you feel like doing today?" Remus asked, sensing the need for a change in subject.

"Well... I don't know. I'd love to take Buckbeak for a ride, but I don't think the Ministry would enjoy that, would they?" Harry asked with a smile.

Remus chuckled and shook his head. "Not to mention, y'know, Dumbledore... Moody..."

"Yeah, yeah," Harry said with a resigned sigh.

"We could go out, though," Remus suggested. "I mean---"

"How about a game of wizard's chess?" Harry asked, interrupting the man.

Remus' smile stretched. He ran a hand through his hair and shrugged. "The last time I played was with your father," he admitted. Harry smiled and nodded. Remus added, "Soon, though, we will get out of here and stretch our wings for a bit. Rules be damned, alright?"

"Alright," Harry agreed with a nod.

~*~

A couple of weeks passed and things at Grimmauld Place seemed to be improving. At least Harry was replying to his mail, Remus thought with a smile as he watched the teenaged boy scribble something down on parchment---a reply to one of Ron's letters.

He smiled more and then tucked his head back into the living room, where a couple of boxes were sitting and waiting to be tucked away in the trunks in the cellar. The smile fluttered away, turning into a frown.

Old pictures and letters---along with whatever else Sirius had saved---were sitting in those boxes. Part of him wanted to just throw them out, but he couldn't bring himself to do that yet. They would go into the darkness, into a locked trunk, to collected more dust and more cobwebs.

"Prof---" Harry stopped himself short. "Lupin?"

Remus turned, forcing himself to smile again. "Did Hedwig take your letter?"

"No... I'm going to wait," he said. Remus raised an eyebrow, not understanding. Harry quickly added, "Until you have some mail? I thought she could do both..." he trailed off when he saw the boxes. "What're those?"

"Boxes of photographs and letters and things," Remus replied, feeling that frown creep up on him again.

"Of... of Sss--- of his?"

"Yes," Remus whispered.

Harry frowned and looked at the boxes. "Are there things of my parents in there?"

"There might be a few photographs," Remus conceded with a nod. "I'm... I'm going to go clean up the kitchen, though, if you're going to go through those."

"You don't want to---"

Remus whispered raggedly. "I can't. Not yet, Harry."

Harry nodded. "Well... alright, then. Do you mind if I---"

"Go ahead," he assured the teenaged boy. "Just pack everything up when you've finished?"

"Sure."

~*~


Padfoot,

I can't believe you wrote me that letter. I had no idea that you felt that way. About me, I mean, in case you forgot already. I don't mind if how you feel has changed, because I don't want you to feel trapped or held down. We're best friends, and I don't want that to change.

But, I do feel the same I have been thinking about I want to Yes.

Yours,
Moony.



Padfoot,

It's been a sad vacation, without you. My parents locked me up for the full moon, and then went away for a couple of days. They came back and unlocked me, and that has been the extent of our interaction. I miss our nights of the full moon I miss how you take care of me. I miss you. So much.

How is the House of Black? Are you driving your mum mad? I sent an owl to Prof. D., and I'm hoping he'll let me return a few weeks early---perhaps he'll let you return as well, if you want?

Any word from Prongs? Wormtail?

I haven't heard from you in a long time, so I hope you're getting along well enough. Please write. I want to hear from you.

Yours,
Moony.



Padfoot,

Watching you in the library was too much today. You were chewing on your pen and driving me completely mad. I couldn't stop thinking about your lips and your teeth, and what we did last night.

Yours,
Moony.


Harry blinked and pulled his eyes away from the well-worn page. He skipped through the rest of them, noticing that there were letters through most of their senior years at Hogwarts. All very... passionate.

He blushed, feeling a bit like a voyeur. But, he kept scanning them, looking for information about his parents. He found little bits; mostly, Remus wrote about James' latest scheme. Those comments made Harry smile.

Then, he spied a sealed scroll. Frowning, he picked it up and saw that it was Sirius' wax seal. After breaking it, he took a deep breath and prepared himself for whatever he might read.


Moony.

I don't have much time. I apparated here, so I can imagine that the ministry is on my trail. All I can tell you is I didn't do it. I didn't. Not exactly the way everyone's saying. I told James Lily didn't want me to keep their secret. She knew what would happen if YKW thought I had a secret inside of me. I was the only likely choice. And I refused to put you in danger. We Peter offered. We agreed. Peter knew. I don't know much else than that---and that I love you. If I get caught and sent to Azkaban, know that I love you. So bloody much.

Don't forget me. Please don't forget me.
Yours,
Padfoot.


Harry sat back on his heels, feeling as though the wind was knocked out of his sails. Did Remus see this? After a moment, he realised that there was no way he could have seen it because the seal had been intact.

He set it aside and then started rummaging through the bundles of photographs. He saw some very silly images of his father and Sirius, and then some of the four boys together. Harry smiled more when he saw his mother in a picture with Remus.

After spending much of the afternoon going over the new information in the boxes, he decided to approach Remus and at least attempt to ask some of his questions.

He found the man in Sirius' bedroom, packing up some clothes. Harry felt his vision swim with tears, but he blinked them away. When he coughed, Remus looked up. "Harry? Are you alright?"

"I... I... I haven't been up here yet. It's just---"

"I know," Remus said quietly. "I thought I'd clean some of his clothes out. Maybe take them to a shelter or something."

"O-oh."

Remus raised an eyebrow. "Is there something you'd like to talk about?"

"Well. Yes. Actually."

"Alright..."

Harry thrust the scroll out. "Had you seen this?"

Remus' eyes darted down to the scroll. "I've seen lots of those."

"It was sealed," he said awkwardly as he handed it over. "I'm sorry, but I was curious..." he trailed off as Remus opened the letter and started to read. "Were you and Sirius--- I don't know. This might sound ridiculous, but---"

"Were we together?"

"Well, yeah."

"We were," Remus said softly, reading the letter with wide, sad eyes for a second time.

Harry bit his lip nervously. He had a hard enough time dealing with a crying girl; he had no idea what to do if a grown man started crying in front of him. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you---"

"It's perfectly alright, Harry," Remus said in that same gentle tone. "We didn't want to tell you because we thought it would be too much, you know? Voldemort is back, you lost a friend, you had an awful year at school, and oh, by the way, your godfather's a---"

"It wouldn't have been. I just... I wish I had known," Harry said. "I... I feel like I don't know anything about him now."

"You know a lot," Remus assured him. "He didn't hide from you."

"Did you two hide from my father?"

"At first. He caught us, though," Remus said with a wry smile. "And then, he was alright with it. He was thrilled, actually, since he figured I was with Sirius and not chasing after your mother."

Harry smiled a bit.

Remus rolled the scroll up. "Thank you for showing me this."

"I don't think you should throw any of that out," Harry whispered. "I mean... the photographs and things. Maybe we... we should put it all in albums?"

"I'm not ready to look at everything yet, Harry," Remus whispered, putting the scroll in a drawer so he wouldn't have to see it. "I just need to put it away for now. Until I feel stronger."

Harry frowned and nodded. "Yeah. Sure. I didn't mean to---"

"I know."

"This room smells like him," Harry whispered, looking around.

"It does," Remus agreed.

~*~

"Remus?" Harry asked as he walked down the hall. "What's---"

"I thought we'd have a bit of a gathering today," Remus replied, turning so Harry could see the stained apron over his clothes. "I'm trying to make this pasta sauce recipe, but... but it's been a while since---"

Harry chuckled. "I can't cook. Don't look at me."

The older man smiled. "Alright, then. Do you want to do the garlic butter? It's just some mixing and stirring."

Harry nodded. "Sure thing. What's the occasion?"

"No occasion. The Weasley's are coming over. I--- I hope that's---"

"Right on," Harry said. "It might be nice to see Ron before we go back to Hogwarts."

Remus smiled, pleased that Harry was becoming stronger in spirit. It was hard to believe that he had been an unmoving bundle in a bed, unresponsive and nearly lifeless.

"I didn't know if it was too much, or---"

"No... it's fine. Anyone else coming?"

"That's more than I can tell you," Remus replied, smiling still.

"Are you fine with the company?" Harry asked, eyebrows furrowed for a brief moment. "I mean, a few days ago---"

"I think a distraction would help me," Remus said while his smile faded slightly. "I miss the days when this house was full, you know?"

"Yeah..."

A silence fell between them. Remus returned to stirring the sauce. Harry walked to the table and started preparing the butter. When it was finished, he spread it over long pieces of bread, and then set them on the baking sheet. He touched Remus' arm. When he turned around, eyes red-rimmed, Harry held the tray up.

"All done."

"Thank you, Harry."

"You know you're allowed to... to be sad. You don't have to hide it," Harry pointed out in a broken voice.

Remus chuckled bitterly. "I've been sad for too long. When... when he was carted off by the dementors, it took me two years to recover from everything. I don't know how long it's going to take me this time. Now that he's really... well, you know."

"Gone," Harry whispered hoarsely.

"Yes," Remus agreed in rough voice.

"I miss him."

Remus nodded and blinked very hard twice. "I know, I miss him, too."

Harry felt his lower lip trembling, and he really had no idea what was bubbling up inside of him. His eyes widened as a sob hiccuped its way out of his mouth, and then they closed as Remus wrapped his arms around his shaking body.

There, in the kitchen, Harry found the warm comfort he hadn't known he needed.

~*~

Remus laughed over his wine glass at something Fred and George said, and then he felt a pair of eyes on him. Turning, he looked to his right and saw Bill watching him carefully. He raised his glass, smiled, and sipped from it, before turning back to listen to the end of the conversation.

Entrepreneurship suited the twins just fine, Remus noted. He hadn't seen them so happy before. They looked alive.

Ron and Harry were getting along fine. Harry had admitted that he was afraid of awkwardness between himself and his friends, but Remus convinced him that he needed his friends to help him grow stronger again. Seeing them laugh over something Pig, Ron's owl, was doing around the room, Remus knew that they would be alright.

The kitchen was filled with friendship, laughter, and love, Remus noted through his patient eyes. He shivered. Suddenly, he didn't feel so alone and he hated himself for thinking that.

Bill stood and forced eye contact with him, motioning to the hallway. Remus nodded slightly, and after a few minutes, he followed the redhead out of the room while Fred debated with his mother about something that kept the crowd in stitches of laughter.

"Hey," Bill whispered, once they were by the door. "You look better."

"Harry and I are looking after each other," Remus said with a little smile.

"I'm sorry I didn't stop by sooner," Bill continued. "I just thought... with the two of you getting used to everything... and I didn't want to overstay my welcome, so---"

Remus smiled more. "You're welcome any time, Bill."

Bill's smile stretched, and Remus felt his insides melt a little at the sight. "So... okay, then," Bill mumbled, turning a little pink.

Remus chuckled. "We're alright?"

"Yes... oh, yes. Of course."

"What are you thinking?"

Bill blushed more. "I... well, I suppose I should just be honest, yeah? I'm thinking about kissing you," he admitted. "But, I don't think I will, because you're probably not interested or ready---"

Impulsively, Remus leaned forward and pressed his lips to Bill's. Bill gasped and his hand grasped for Remus' shirt, tugging him closer. After a few minutes, they broke apart---reluctantly in both cases.

Remus blushed, too. "Sorry, Bill," he whispered. "I just... I..."

Bill smiled. "I enjoyed it."

"Me, too," Remus replied, although he did feel a few pangs of guilt tugging at his stomach. He suppressed them and whispered, "Do you want to stay tonight?"

The redhead's eyes widened. After a moment, he nodded slowly. "If you want me to stay."

Remus didn't say anything; he didn't trust himself to speak. Instead, he leaned in close and kissed Bill again, feeling the redhead's stubbled lips bristle against his mustache. Bill sighed and yielded to Remus.

Fingers tightened, hearts pounded, lips sucked, tongues tasted.

Bill was the one to end the kiss. He stepped back, smiled, and then headed back into the kitchen. Remus shook the fog from his mind, and waited a few minutes. After some time had passed, he walked back into the room and rejoined the large group.

~*~

Remus smothered his moan by tucking his face into the pillow, as Bill kissed, sucked, and bit his way down his pale, scarred back. Behind his closed eyes, Remus could pretend---but he didn't. He couldn't. Being on the bottom was never his idea of a good time; it had always been Sirius who took on this role. He'd push Remus all the way to the bedroom, but then, he'd back off and hand the reins over.

That was the way they had always done it---especially after Sirius returned from Azkaban. He had become even more submissive, demanding punishment, demanding a rougher lover, demanding more.

As Remus felt Bill insert fingers inside of him and slowly prepare him, he understood Sirius' actions, somewhat. He wanted to feel more---whether it was pain or pleasure, he didn't care. He just wanted to feel more, to feel alive.

Bonding with Harry had helped, but lying underneath this man, he knew that when he pushed his erection inside and started thrusting, he would feel more alive. He would need to gasp for breath, he would feel his blood pounding through his veins. He would feel, he thought, more alive.

He heard Bill reaching for oil, but he stopped him. "Not so much," Remus whispered hoarsely. "Only a little, alright?"

"Lupin?"

"Want to feel you," he grunted. "Not some slime."

Bill obliged, but Remus found his thrusts more gentle than he had hoped for. He lifted his hips up and pushed back hard against the redheaded man. Bill's fingers traveled over Remus' hip, and then underneath him, grasping his erection tightly and timing a pumping action with his hips' thrusts.

Remus swallowed hard and closed his eyes, thrusting himself back harder against Bill. He made the other man grunt and moan and soon, he felt something warm and wet inside of him.

After collapsing, Bill's fingers adjusted themselves, and he built Remus up while sucking and nibbling hard on his neck.

He came with a whimper and a soft moan, while small tears pricked at his eyes. In the dark room, he could hide the tears from Bill. They cuddled up a bit and Bill stroked his fingers through Remus' unkempt hair.

He fell asleep thinking of Bill and Sirius, feeling very confused.

~*~

Harry woke up when he heard footsteps coming down the stairs. He blinked and groaned, barely able to listen. But, he could make out two voices and two sets of feet.

With a clumsy hand, he put his hand out and grabbed his glasses off of the night stand. After putting them on, he crept out of his bedroom and down the hall. He peeked around the corner, at the front door and almost fell over.

The sight of Remus kissing Bill Weasley good-bye was entirely too much for him to process. He blinked twice and tried again. Bill was holding onto Remus' arm and smiling while he whispered something in Remus' ear. The other man blushed and ducked his eyes to the floor, before nodding and walking with him to the door.

Once the door was closed, Remus sighed and rested his head against the cool wood. Harry's eyes narrowed as he listened to a soft sniffling sound.

Was Professor Lupin crying?!

He wiped his face and then turned around. Harry forgot that he wasn't spying on someone with his invisibility cloak on. Remus' face crumpled. "Harry?"

"Did... um... did Bill... did he spend the night?"

Remus paled. "How much did you---"

"I saw you two snogging," Harry grunted. "Didn't take you that long to forget---"

"I have not forgotten about---"

"But---"

Remus sighed. "He's not coming back, Harry. He's dead."

Saying those words out loud made them both pale even more. Harry trembled and held onto the door frame.

"Harry... I... I can't go on alone forever."

Harry swallowed a lump that had lodged in his throat as the last image of Sirius, as he fell through the Veil, flashed behind his eyes.

"I... I just... I..." Harry tried but stopped.

Remus frowned. "No more overnight guests, then. If that will help."

"No, it's fine. I mean... I mean, you deserve to be happy. You're right. He's not coming back and I should get used to that---"

Remus crossed the room and put his hands on Harry's shoulders. "I will never stop loving him. Ever, Harry. But, I need to at least try to move on a bit..."

"He'd want us all to be happy," Harry reasoned, lower lip trembling again.

"I'm nowhere close to that," Remus said with a bitter laugh.

"Me neither."

Remus squeezed Harry's shoulders gently. "No overnight guests. Alright?"

"I don't mind... if you and Bill... it's just a lot to process."

He smiled a bit and lifted one hand to wipe his cheeks. "I know. When you're ready, we'll figure out something. We both have to live here, don't we? We have to get along with each other."

Harry nodded. "Y-yeah. I'm sorry---"

"Don't be sorry," he whispered gently, to soothe the teenager. "I'm not sure that I'm entirely ready either."

Harry's eyebrows furrowed and then he nodded. "Well... okay."

"If something's bothering you... about this. You have to tell me. I'm used to hearing all sorts of things, and I'd rather hear it from you than have your feels fester---"

"I couldn't hate you," Harry blurted out.

Remus' worried expression softened into a smile. "Well, I couldn't hate you either."

"Good."

"Yeah," the man agreed.

They stayed like that, studying each other's expressions for a few moments. Remus was the one to break the silence. He smiled awkwardly, like a child trying to get out of a lecture or punishment even though he was caught with his hand in the cookie jar, and then asked, "Shall I make breakfast?"

"Please," Harry said on a loud, relieved exhalation.

~*~

"Harry---can you take this box downstairs, as well?" Remus asked, sliding a large crate out into the hallway.

Harry nodded. "Sure thing, Lupin," he replied, waving his wand. "Mobilarbus," he said firmly, and with a slight bounce, the box fell into the queue with the others.

They were cleaning the house out. A couple of weeks before school started, Remus had come to the conclusion that he should take advantage of his company and ask for his assistance in moving the rest of Sirius' things into the storage trunks. Harry didn't want Remus to throw anything out yet, and Remus wasn't entirely sure he could handle having it strew around the house still---so they compromised and decided to pack everything up and move it all to the lower level of the house.

"Is that all?" Harry asked.

"I've got a few more things in these drawers," he said quietly. "But a lot of my stuff's in here, as well, so it will take some time to get the last boxes packed up. I'll take them downstairs."

Harry nodded, pushed his glasses up his nose, and then directed the boxes alongside of him with a wave of his wand.

Remus sighed and sat down on the bed. He looked to the bedside table on Sirius' side of the bed. He knew he'd find the usual bedside table objects---lubricant, restraints, a dirty novel or two, maybe a magazine, and a couple of muggle toys that he had been intent on having Remus try on him---but when he opened the drawer, he was surprised to find a shiny, sparkling disc lying on the bottom among the sexual toys.

Narrowing his eyes, he leaned forward and peeked down. He put his fingers down into the drawer and rummaged around. When he held the object up, realising that a thick leather strap came with it, he gasped and almost dropped it.

Sirius' collar.

Remus' eyes filled with tears and he brushed them away as quickly as they could fall. His lower lip jutted out in a sharp pout as it trembled. He heaved a heavy sigh and turned over the charm that hung from the collar to read the inscription.

Padfoot belongs to Moony forever.

The man broke down into tears, trying to be as quiet as possible. He held onto the collar, remembering the times Sirius would wear it---and not much else---and parade around to get a rise out of Remus, which he always did. He remembered so many private moments and he sobbed for each moment he would never have with Sirius.

Shaking hands brought the collar up to his neck, and under the turtleneck, he strapped it to his skin, fastening the buckle. Underneath his clothes, he felt the weight of Sirius' collar and felt a small bit of comfort. He tried to imagine the dark man watching down on him, but that made him cry more.

After crying himself ragged, he fell asleep. He dreamed of Sirius, from a sweeter and happier time when all they had to care about were classes and causing as much mischief as wizardly possible.

He woke up when the bed dipped. Eyes wide, he saw Bill.

"Wha-what are you---"

"Shhh," Bill whispered. "Harry came and got me. He said he heard you crying... I don't think I've seen him look so worried, and that's saying quite a bit, don't you think?"

"I--- I wasn't---"

"You don't have to explain it. You're packing this room," he said vaguely. Remus was secretly glad he danced around the owner of the room; then, he felt pangs of guilt that suppressed that relief. "It's hard... so many memories."

Remus sighed and shivered when Bill rubbed his fingers through his hair. The redhead kissed the top of his head and then nuzzled his lips along the back of his neck.

"Go back to sleep," Bill whispered. "Then, I'll cook supper."

~*~

Remus felt himself changing back. The pain was so intense as his bones shrunk back into their human form, as the hair disappeared from his sweaty flesh, as the dull throb in his head increased to a sharp drilling pain he could barely endure.

Through the darkness of the cellar, he saw Sirius, lying down and watching him through patient grey eyes. He smiled and leaned forward, reaching out and stroking his fingers along Remus' spine.

"I love you, you know," Sirius whispered into Remus' ear. "You'll always be my match. No matter what anyone says."

Remus whimpered and snuggled up to his lover. He felt lips on his shoulder and then he passed out, exhaustion finally settling in. He knew he would be safe; Sirius was watching over him.

"Remus? Remus? C'mon... my skin won't fit two, you know," Bill joked lamely.

Remus grunted and tightened his grip on the warm body next to him, burying his face in its torso. it wasn't until he inhaled sharply that he realised where he was and who he was with.

"Oh."

Bill chuckled. "S'alright. Don't worry about it."

"What time's'it?"

"About seven," Bill replied. "I went and got pizza. Harry said he wanted it... I would have put chocolate on it, but Harry informed me that it would be disgusting."

Remus' lips twitched into a small smile. Bill smiled back and leaned down to kiss his forehead.

"C'mon. Let's go eat."

Bill's smile made his stomach flop, and he felt that food might not be the best idea. He sighed. "I don't think I'm hungry for food."

"Lupin... you have to eat something."

"I'm not hungry."

Bill sighed. "Well... I'll go check on Harry and come back. Yeah?"

"Thank you," Remus whispered. "I'm... I'm going to try to sleep some more."

"Well, it might do you some good."

"Will you... will you come back?"

Bill smiled again. "Sure... for what?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "You know what."

"Are you sure you're up for that?"

Need to feel alive...
Need to feel better...
Need to feel... need to feel...
...absolution.

Instead of telling Bill exactly what he was thinking, he nodded silently and squeezed Bill's hand. The redhead smiled and kissed Remus' forehead again, before getting up and disappearing out of the room.

~*~

Remus hissed and arched back as Bill delivered another blow to his backside with a leather belt. He heard the collar's charm swinging as he moved with the blow. Sweat trickled under the collar, down onto his back.

It had taken quite some time to convince Bill that this was what he needed. Bill frowned, shook his head, and refused to hurt someone he cared so deeply about. Remus countered by saying he hurt too much without it. He needed to be punished first, he told Bill, and then maybe, just maybe, he'd be able to let go of the guilt he hung onto.

Deep down, Remus knew that this was not likely. He knew he would always carry Sirius inside of him, but he didn't share that knowledge with Bill. He needed Bill to make him feel something. Pleasure was too dull a feeling; he wanted to try more pain.

Each blow pulled a hiss and a moan from Remus' throat, and he could feel tears mingling with the sweat on his face. He could feel his body tingling. He felt so much of... something. Something was pounding through his veins. He groaned and felt his erection wobble and rub against the bedding.

"Remus---"

"More," he barked hoarsely.

After a few more lashes with the belt, Bill stopped abruptly. Remus, dazed and confused, turned and tried to see what was going on.

"More," he tried again.

Bill shook his head and sat back on his heels. "Lupin," he murmured in a low voice. "I... I'm so sorry."

"What?"

"I... I cocked up, Lupin," he explained. After he dropped the belt, he reached up and caressed the sore skin. Remus flinched a little. It stung more than he wanted to admit. Then, he brought his hand up closer to Remus' head. "I broke your skin... I drew blood. I---"

"Shhh... it's okay," Remus whispered. He didn't feel any better, but he didn't want to make Bill feel worse.

Bill frowned and crawled up Remus' body. "Lie down on your side, Lupin... I'll rub some stuff on that, make it feel better---"

"I'm fine," he insisted. "Just hold me."

Bill draped his arms around Remus' body and his hands worked their way up his torso. When they hit the collar's charm, he lifted his head and looked down. "When did you put that on?"

"I... I was wearing it for the past couple of days," Remus replied vaguely. "Forgot I had it."

"Ohh..." Bill whispered, fingering the charm and admiring the pattern engraved on it. "It's beautiful."

Remus almost winced, thinking that his blood was now all over the collar and its tag, but he refrained and snuggled up to Bill.

"I know I can't stay overnight."

"A bit longer, then?" Remus asked.

"Yeah," Bill agreed softly.

~*~

Harry grunted when he heard the bedroom door open and close. Bill had stayed longer than he had thought he would, and he wasn't sure how he felt about it. Remus was moving on. He had a new boyfriend. Maybe he'd never love him like he loved Sirius, but combined with moving everything of his godfather's out of sight, Harry couldn't help but feel like Sirius was being pushed out of their lives---faster than he was ready for.

After Bill had left the house, Harry crept out of his bedroom and headed up the stairs to see Buckbeak. He spent a few minutes there, feeding the creature a late-night snack and talking to Hedwig, and then he decided to go back to bed. He couldn't hear Remus up and about, so he was clearly in for the night.

As he passed Remus' bedroom, he heard soft crying and cursing.

Harry frowned, troubled. Remus was so upset lately and he had been so happy up until the past couple of days! He wanted to help his new guardian so much. He wanted to assure him that eventually he would be happy; but, he had no idea how to provide hope for the man.

He quietly walked down the stairs and he turned to go into the hallway that would take him to his bedroom, but after glancing into the kitchen, he decided that a snack for himself would also be nice.

A quick sandwich, he decided silently, and then he would go to bed.

The house was so quiet from the kitchen, he noted. Remus' soft cries couldn't be heard from the kitchen. Harry frowned and broke off his crust, stuffing it in his mouth and chewing thoughtfully.

Tomorrow, we'll have fun.

Harry didn't know what fun would entail, but he was determined to cheer Remus up. There must be something they could do together that would bring a small smile to the man's face.

Something... anything.
Think, think.

He finished his sandwich and his glass of milk, and brought the dishes over to the sink. Just as he was setting the glass down on the counter, he heard a loud sound from the cellar---a combination of a thud and a crash---and he ended up dropping the glass on the floor.

Wide-eyed, Harry briefly considered getting Remus before going down the stairs. But, then, he realised that if it were a boggart---which was more than likely---it would be a poor excuse for entertainment. All it would mean to Remus was seeing a bright full moon and saying the simple 'Riddickulus' spell, and that would be it. Hardly the plans Harry wished to envision for the grieving man.

First, he decided, he should go and investigate. It could be anything, really, he reasoned silently, before heading to the stairs.

~*~

Remus stopped sniffling and opened his eyes. There had been a noise... something loud and heavy crashing down somewhere in the house.

Hadn't there been a noise?

He pushed himself up and winced at the feeling of broken skin on rough bedding. Listening hard into the night didn't help him. He couldn't hear anything else. Then, his ears caught some scurrying sounds.

Harry? What are you up to?

Very carefully, he got up and put a pair of pajamas on. After grabbing his slippers and dressing robe, he headed out of Sirius' bedroom and walked down the stairs and into the kitchen with a little help from the wall for support.

"Harry?" he called out. He reached into the pocket of his robe and drew his wand out. He didn't know what he would discover, but he wanted to be prepared.

The door to the lower level was open. He frowned and continued to the door.

"Harry?"

There was a loud, ferocious growl. It wasn't animal, Remus noted, but very human. Very pained and afraid, but so human.

Very...

"No..." he whispered. He shook his head and silently deemed himself mentally unstable.

"Harry?"

After a soft gasp and another crash, Remus could make out Harry's form running up the long staircase. His hair was messed up and there was a scratch on his cheek. His glasses were hanging precariously from his ears. He looked so afraid.

"Harry?" Remus asked again, dropping down into a chair in front of the boy once he had slammed the door shut. "What is it? What's gone on?"

"There's a--- there's a--- in the---" Harry panted, clearly winded. He pointed to the door and tried again, but he had no luck.

Remus pulled him closer and put his hands on Harry's shoulders. "Breath deeply," he instructed. "In and out. Yes... yes, just like that," he murmured as Harry's system leveled off. He raised an eyebrow and said, "Alright? Now. What's down there?"

"I... I think there's a boggart down there! There was a loud noise and a crash and... and I didn't want to get you, because I heard you cry again and I thought I could do it---"

"What did it turn into?" Remus asked, as his heart nearly stopped. Lord Voldemort in his home was not something he really wanted to deal with. "Harry?"

His lower lip trembled. "I... it turned into... into Sirius."

"Harry... come on now... why would you be afraid of him?"

He shrugged and looked around wildly. "I don't know. But, I'm not hallucinating! Something down there looks like him!"

"Harry..." Remus repeated his name in that same patient tone. He stood up and reached into a cupboard. "Here," he said, handing him a small package. "Eat that. It will make you feel better."

"I'm not going crazy! He's down there! But, it's not him! He's wild---he jumped at me and scratched me with his nails. It was like an animal trapped in his body!"

"Have you had dreams like that?" Remus asked. "Bad dreams where he comes back and---"

"But... but---"

"Harry."

He sighed. "Yes, I've had bad dreams... because I still feel it's my fault. But, he's usually a dog and chasing or biting me--- this is entirely different!"

Remus sighed. "Boggarts see the things inside of us differently," he reminded Harry. "I'll go get rid of it tomorrow morning, alright?"

"No! Not alright!" Harry exclaimed as things became more clear. "Sirius is down there! It's him! It's him---I! Know! It!"

"Harry. It's well-past your bedtime."

Harry rolled his eyes. "Would you just go down and look!? Please!"

"I'm not rested enough to fight off a---"

"Yes, you are... please. Please go down and look."

Remus sighed and rolled his eyes. "Fine. If you go to bed, I'll go down and look at your boggart."

"Promise?" Harry demanded.

He nodded. "I promise."

Harry's body relaxed but the colour didn't return to his cheeks. Something had definitely scared him, but Remus wasn't sure what it was.

"Well... alright then... holler if you need help?"

"If it's just a boggart, I should be fine, right? Afterall," he added, attempting a bit of humour. "I was your professor for Defense Against the Dark Arts, right?"

"Right," Harry said with a weak smile. He nodded and wearily passed Remus, the chocolate in his hand still. Remus leaned gingerly against the counter and shook his head. Whatever was down there, he decided silently, it would wait until morning.

He locked the door with a wave of his wand, sealing it firmly. He broke a piece of chocolate off of an open bar and then headed out of the kitchen and to his own bedroom.

~*~

"Whyyyyyyyy?" Sirius asked, pouting. "What on earth would be better than coming out with me tonight?"

"Studying for NEWTs? Sleep? Waking up and not having a hangover in the morning?" Remus replied, sounding irritated.

"Ohhh come off it! Moooony! Come on! Come out with me!"

"I don't want to, Padfoot," Remus muttered.

"Pleeeeease. Don't make me beg."

A smile twitched at Remus' lips. "You're already doing a fine job of it."

"I told you she doesn't mean anything to me!" Sirius huffed, stomping around their empty dormitory. "I haven't even kissed her! It's you I want... Moony... it's only you. I want to go out with you tonight."

Remus huffed and tried focusing on the textbook in his lap.

Sirius was not discouraged. "Come out with me," he murmured, coming closer. "You've been so distant lately... what do I have to do?"

"Just go and have a good time. Wear your collar. That way, if you get lost, someone will know to bring you back to me."

He frowned. "I... I love you, Remus."

Remus' eyes widened and he gasped softly, before lifting his head up. "You what?"

"You heard me," Sirius replied sullenly. "But... you clearly don't feel the same way, do you? Or else, you'd be with me."

"Hey, hey... Sirius---"

Sirius walked up to him and kissed his lover soundly on the lips. "I do," he whispered in a husky voice.

"I... I know," Remus murmured, reaching up to put a hand through Sirius' unkempt mane of black hair. "I love you, too, Pads."

"Will you be studying all night?"

Remus looked up and smiled. "How about I meet you at the Three Broomsticks in two hours."

Sirius grinned. "One hour."

"One and a half."

Sirius leaned in and kissed along Remus' neck. "One," he whispered.

"One and a half."

"Oh, alright. One hour and ten minutes."

"One hour and fifteen minutes," Remus replied, even though he knew he'd be there in an hour.

Remus woke up with a shock. He blinked around his bedroom and struggled for breath. He reached up and tugged at his neck, finding the collar still there. It felt tighter, somehow.

After a quick look at the clock, he discovered that there wasn't enough time to go back to sleep. Harry wouldn't be up for another couple of hours, though.

He frowned and got up. After fumbling around the room for a minute, he started to dress.

The kitchen was the first place he ended up after dressing in trousers and a shirt. He found himself staring at the locked door and wondering what was really in there.

His hand reached out to touch the knob but he brought it back quickly. His heart was racing and he didn't know why. After a shake of his head, he touched the knob and then turned it, but it wouldn't turn. He laughed shakily and brought his wand out.

"Alohomora," he whispered.

The door opened, creaking eerily in the quiet morning. Remus inhaled slowly, summoning courage, and then he descended into the lower level.

The stairs complained under Remus' weight. Remus sniffed the air but couldn't decide if there was something in the room. If there were, he couldn't distinguish its scent from the musty air of the cellar.

Growl.

Remus yelped as he fell forward under the weight of whatever launched itself at him. He hit the dirty floor and groaned. This was no boggart---it hadn't waited to see what fears were hidden in his heart and soul. He could feel his shirt being ripped. Claws were tearing at him. He could hear growls and heavy panting and---

"Stupefy!" Remus hollered, pointing his wand behind him. The thing on top of him stopped moving, clearly stunned. Then, he said, "Relashio."

The sparks lit the room and sent the thing sailing across the room with a force Remus instantly regretted. Beams crashed around the lump on the floor after its impact against the wall.

Panting, Remus picked himself up. His shirt was in shreds, so he took it off and let it fall on the floor. Then, wand still drawn, he approached the lump. It was breathing; for that, Remus was glad. He hated killing. He hated death. No one really deserved to die.

He crouched down low and tried to figure out what it was.

"Lumos," he whispered.

Light shone from the tip of his wand, allowing him to take in everything in front of him. On the floor, a man was curled up, twitching and whimpering. His beard and hair were long, his skin was dirty, battered and bruised.

Remus dropped his wand and scurried back quickly.

"Sirius?" he whispered hesitantly.

The man was still stunned. Remus crawled closer and inspected the body, waiting for him to recover. Finding his wand wasn't important; finding this man's identity was much more important. Remus' head was swimming in a sea of questions.

He leaned forward and brought a hand up to the man's forehead. Slowly, he brushed the long, matted hair away from his face and stared down. The resemblance was uncanny. He brushed the hair off of the back of the man's neck and saw a scar that belonged to Sirius. Snape had put it there in one of their impromptu dueling matches.

Remus' eyes filled with tears. It was impossible. No one returned from the behind the veil. No one. It never happened. He had never heard such a preposterous tale!

The eyes of that man opened and he growled again. He lunged at Remus, pinning him down and lifting one hand as if to claw him apart.

When the charm around his neck started to glow, neither man knew what was going on. Remus felt moisture on his cheeks and then he heard the most gut-wrenching of sobs. The light faded away. The man's face was less animalistic and less haunted, but it was still so pained.

"Moo---" he tried and stopped. He hiccuped and choked, before dropping down and hugging Remus tightly. He sobbed and sobbed in a way Remus had never heard a man cry. It was excruciating to listen to.

Remus blinked up at the ceiling of the dank room. His mind was racing.

Was this really Sirius? How did he--- why did he--- what happened? I thought he was dead.

Unsure of what else he could do to soothe this wounded being on top of him, he reached up and touched the long hair. "Padfoot," he whispered. "Oh, Padfoot... shhh, now."

The sobbing man's breath hitched in his throat, and then a soft word escaped his lips. It sounded more like a plea than a response.

"Moony."

Remus' heart broke. Sirius was home.

~*~

Harry woke up to pained howling. He frowned and realised that it was becoming a common occurrence to wake up confused. Two blinks were all it took for him to remember what had happened the night before. He put his glasses back on and rushed into the kitchen without a second thought.

The howling was coming from the cellar. Harry winced. It sounded so painful.

He stepped onto the stairs.

"Harry?"

"Remus?" he asked back, peering down through the bannister.

"Could you... perhaps make some hot chocolate? I need to get something into him... and---"

Harry rushed back up the two steps and went to work, melting chocolate, heating milk, and making the snack the way Remus preferred it. Thick, warm, and so sweet he made it, and then he took a clean spoon and rushed back down the stairs.

His eyes widened as he took in what appeared to be Sirius.

He looks so... broken.

"Harry. Give it here."

"I-is it him?" Harry asked hesitantly, afraid to know the truth.

Remus' eyes watered again. "Ye-yes. I believe it is."

"Can I... Can I stay?"

"If you stay at a safe distance."

Harry retreated and settled down on one of the steps, after going closer to give Remus the mug. Slowly, Remus turned them over and while whispering gentle words, he dipped his finger into the mug and brought it to Sirius' lips.

The teenager had never seen such patience in a man before. He marveled at how Remus kept dipping his finger into the liquid and bringing it to Sirius' lips. Sometimes, Sirius would lick it up; other times, he would draw the digit into his mouth. He would also refuse it---and in that case, Remus would simply dip his finger into the drink again, and bring it back up to Sirius' lips.

Remus didn't speak, nor rush, nor move more than necessary. He just kept bringing the chocolate up to Sirius' trembling lips, until the mug was almost empty. Then, Sirius whimpered and snuggled up, hiding his body in Remus', before he started to shake and cry again.

He kept watching, completely transfixed.

This is love.

~*~

Remus leaned back against the cool wall as he listened to Sirius twitch and whimper in his deep sleep. He didn't know how much more he could handle; he wanted nothing more than to reach into Sirius' mind and take the pain away. However, after attacking him with his wand earlier in the morning, Remus refused to use anymore magic on his lover. He couldn't do it.

"Remus."

He looked up and saw a silvery figure in the doorway. Eyes wide, he swallowed against the lump that had been permanently lodged in his throat since discovering Sirius, and he whispered, "Professor Dumbledore."

With a soft smile, Albus descended the stairs. "Harry sent word."

Remus' eyes went wide and white.

The older wizard smiled more and shook his head. "I haven't told anyone else. I hardly think it's appropriate, do you?"

"No," he replied softly. "I... if it's not---"

"Harry seems to believe it is... he says you believe it to be true, as well."

Remus smiled sadly. "I do... I... I just..."

When words failed him, he smiled and shrugged. Albus inched closer and peered down and the shaking form, curling into a tight ball. He was still as he had dropped down into their lives---naked, scarred, and so wild.

Albus didn't blush or look away, and stared at the form for a moment, before raising his hand and whispering words so soft that Remus could not hear them. A shimmering light came up from Sirius' body and into his hand; Albus' eyes closed and his hand moved from over Sirius' head to hover over his feet.

He continued this for a few minutes, moving his hand back and forth over the curled up body, and then he stopped and brought his hand to his beard.

"I think... I think for now, you are right," he said carefully. "But... until he is of a more stable state of mind, we will not know any more."

Remus nodded.

"Can you tell me what happened?"

"I don't know what happened," Remus replied quickly. "I don't, Professor. I... Harry was the one that found him."

"He said he heard a noise in the cellar and went downstairs," the old wizard said patiently. "You must know more than he does."

"I... I don't."

"Tell me what you were doing that eveni---"

Remus tilted his head when Albus stopped speaking. "What is it?"

"What is around your neck?" he asked. His voice didn't sound amused; however, he sounded very curious. "You haven't always worn that, have you?"

The darker man blushed. "No... it's Sirius' collar---I just found it. I suppose it started as a joke, because of..."

"Padfoot?"

"Yes," Remus replied. "It... when we were together at Hogwarts, he inscribed something on the back of the tag that said Padfoot belonged to me."

"Curious..."

Remus' brow furrowed. "Why?"

"May I see it?"

"Uhhh---"

Albus had already stooped down in front of the other man and had focused his eyes on the charm hanging from the leather strap. "Very curious indeed," he whispered.

"What?"

"There is blood on this."

Remus blushed even more. "Well... I... I didn't notice."

"Is it yours?"

"Yes..."

"May I ask how it got there?" the wizard continued. "I assume you didn't put it there yourself."

"I really don't want to get into--- is it necessary?" At his words, Albus raised an eyebrow. Remus shifted uncomfortably. "Alright. Well... I was... I was with someone. And, it became a little---well, I suppose you would say intense?" Albus nodded, so Remus continued, feeling like the awkward teenager he had been at Hogwarts all of a sudden. "When it did, that someone stopped. I suppose while I was comforting... erm... while I was comforting---"

"Him. Yes, go on."

Remus sighed and relaxed. "I suppose it got on the collar then... I really don't know."

"Well... that transference may have caused this event... but I am unsure. I want to return to my office and consult some volumes, because this type of charm..."

The younger man watched as he trailed off and scratched his beard. "What about it?"

"I'm forced to recall a conversation I had with the young Sirius Black," he said in a tentative fashion---as if pondering the memory as he spoke. "We were discussing bonds."

"Bonds?"

Albus' lips twitched into a smile again. "Yes... emotional or spiritual---I thought he was thinking of proposing to that girl from Ravenclaw."

Remus chuckled and shook his head. "Jess... Jessica?"

"Jessair, I believe," Albus said. Then, he shrugged. "He was asking about certain gemstones and potions... not spells to take advantage of one's mind and heart, but to strengthen a preexisting bond."

"Oh."

There was a pause. Albus arched an eyebrow.

Remus inhaled quickly as he caught on. "Ohhhh," he said more loudly. "Do you think---"

"The engravings on this... they suggest that he had bonded himself to you," Albus said softly, contemplating the evidence in front of him---the charm and the huddled, twitching body on the floor. "Your love was always strong, but I think that with your blood..."

"Blood spells are always stronger, but so dangerous," Remus whispered. He paused and closed his eyes, thinking about their discussion. When he opened up and looked at the older man, he asked, "But, wasn't he dead?"

"No one knows what lies on the other side of that veil, Remus," Albus reminded him. "We assume it's death, because no one ever returns. But, now, we know that it is not possible." His smile turned into a sad frown. "Perhaps it is worse than death."

Remus felt tears welling up in his eyes, but he didn't both wiping them away. As they streaked down his tired, dusty face, he asked, "Will he ever recover? Will he... will he become more like himself?"

"Sirius Black was always one of the strongest spirits I have come across, you know," he replied. "So much heart, such a determined mind... it was extraordinary to come across, Remus, especially given his family."

Remus nodded silently.

Albus continued. "I will hope he pulls through. For your sake and for Harry's. But, until we see how he recovers from whatever lies beyond that veil, we won't know. Understand that he might not ever be the same. The mind works in mysterious ways and his might be protecting him."

"Yes, but---"

"You won't desert him," Albus whispered, soothing the other man. "You know it, and he knows it---deep down. Take the next few weeks in stride, be kind but firm, and watch for signs of his personality showing through."

"That's all I can do?"

"Love is an extraordinary mystery... I doubt anyone will solve it fully," he answered, smiling again. He straightened abruptly. "Harry is making some lunch."

"I... I'm not leaving him---"

"Come upstairs. He is sleeping now... and you need nourishment."

"But---"

"And you can make him something as well," Albus insisted. "Harry said he took to chocolate well enough."

"I had to feed it to him, but yes..."

Remus felt himself rising to his feet. His eyes lingered on Sirius' trembling form, and then he followed Albus Dumbledore up the stairs and into the kitchen.

~*~

Harry crept down the stairs. It was very early in the morning, but he knew Remus would wake up soon to make sure that Harry made it to the Hogwart's Express on time. He prayed he would have some time to see Sirius before leaving until the winter holiday.

Sirius hadn't improved much in the few days since dropping into their lives again, but he was less violent and he had allowed Remus to wrap him up in a blanket. Pants had been out of the question, but a soft blanket seemed to be acceptable. Chocolate was the only thing he could stomach. As far as Harry knew, he didn't speak.

But, he listened. Harry believed that. He watched Remus speak to him and tell him stories, and he felt as though he could see the wheels turning in Sirius' mind as he processed everything.

So, he decided that he would go downstairs and see his godfather for a few minutes before leaving and tell him everything on his mind.

Sirius was awake, staring off into space. His eyes weren't as empty as they were the first time he and Harry made contact. Still... there was something missing. Harry waved awkwardly, and for a brief, fleeting instant he wished that he had brought his wand down---just in case. But, Remus' no-magic policy stuck.

"H-hi," Harry said softly, sitting down in front of the man. "Did you sleep at all?" After a pause in which he half-expected an answer, he smiled, shrugged, and started rambling, "No, me neither... I... I'm going back to Hogwarts today. The night before the first day back's always a little nerve-wracking. You were always probably thrilled beyond belief to escape here and go back to school, right? Yeah. But... I... I don't want to go if you're here. Lupin's been so nice to me, taking me in, and--- I'll probably have to go back to Privet Drive in the summer but..."

He stopped, sighed and blushed. He felt like an idiot. He was prattling on and on... there was no way Sirius understood.

He frowned a bit and then adjusted his glasses. "I really hope you get well again, Sirius," he whispered. "Lupin's---well, you know he needs you."

Sirius snorted softly and Harry reached out instinctively to brush the man's hair off of his face. He smiled a bit and added, "Maybe you should let him cut your hair. You can always let it grow afterwards, yeah?"

Harry smiled again and shrugged. "I... I wish you could talk back to me... but you're so..." he inhaled sharply and shook his head. "It's alright. You're back. That's what matters. We all know you can get better. And, hey, Kreacher's gone. Remus got rid of him---I didn't ask how. But, he's gone. The house is so different..."

Sirius' eyes drooped and for the first time that morning, Harry saw how tired he was. He paused and continued talking, even after Sirius relaxed his body and closed his eyes. "I'll be thinking on you lots," Harry promised. "I'll send owls as often as I can... and Lupin can read them to you? I'll use the map and go on lots of adventures this year, and write you about them."

The dark man was asleep by the time Harry finished promising him letters. He smiled and stroked his fingers over Sirius' forehead for a moment, before getting up and heading into the kitchen.

Seeing the redheaded man in the kitchen almost made him scream. Bill was the last person he expected to see standing in the kitchen.

"Hey, Harry," he said, grinning. "What are you doing up so early? Packing?"

"Erm... yeah. I thought I left some stuff down there, but I couldn't find it," Harry replied quickly, shutting the door. "Must be up in my room."

"Is Remus up yet?" Bill asked.

Harry shrugged and shook his head. "No... I don't know. I mean... I think he's still sleeping. As far as I know, anyway."

"Ohhh... I didn't want to wake him, but I thought I'd make breakfast---since it's your big day back and all."

"But, wouldn't you rather--- I mean, Ron, and---"

"Well, I promised Mum I'd help Remus get you to the station safely, and we'll see them all at the platform, alright?"

Harry nodded. The relief he felt at knowing Bill hadn't spent the night was so immense he felt his breath shake as he exhaled. "Al-alright," he replied.

Footsteps could be heard overhead. Harry knew this meant Remus was awake. He pointed to the ceiling and said, "He's awake now."

"He's sleeping upstairs?"

"Y-yeah." Harry cringed inwardly. He forgot that Remus had slept in another room when Sirius was presumed dead, but when he was found in the house, Remus moved back into the bedroom he shared with his lover.

Bill frowned a bit but turned and started preparing food.

Harry sighed. "Can I help?"

"Nah. Why don't you go finish packing your trunk. Everything'll be set by then."

~*~

Remus walked towards the kitchen, smelling the delicious scents of food cooking over the stove. Assuming that Harry was making breakfast, he smiled and started speaking, "Harry, shouldn't you be packing now? Honestly, you don't have to cook because we can stop someplace and---"

"Hi."

His eyes widened at the sight of Bill standing in the kitchen instead of Harry. "Hello... hi, Bill. I didn't expect to see you today---"

"How are you?" he asked, seeming to be concerned from the tips of his toes to the ends of his ginger hair.

Remus smiled. "I'm fine... I'm almost healed. I meant to call you," he lied. "But, I was so embarrassed."

Bill smiled sheepishly. "Me, too. I... I never--- I've never done anything like that before, and I saw you hurt and---"

"I'm alright," Remus assured him.

"Promise?"

Remus nodded and walked over to the stove. He brushed Bill's long hair aside and kissed his neck. "I promise," he murmured softly, before lifting his head and settling his chin in Bill's shoulder. "Want help?"

"If you keep touching me, I'm going to need more than help," Bill whispered, sounding hoarse.

Remus chuckled. He liked knowing he could still affect others; no matter what he thought of himself, it was always reassuring to know that others found him desirable.

"You're fucking brilliant, Moony."

Remus lifted his head and took a step to the side of Bill. The words had filled his head suddenly, in that rough voice Sirius used when he was exasperated or incredible turned on---often times the two sentiments were entwined together, given Remus' behavior when they were alone.

"Look into my eyes, you idiot---if you think I'm just putting one over on you."

He bit his lip and looked to the door that kept him from Sirius. He longed to go down there as the memories washed over him. But, he balled his hands up into fists and made himself stay rooted in that spot.

Bill leaned over and kissed his cheek, unaware of the determination flooding through Remus' system. "I'm glad you're alright," he whispered.

Remus glanced his way and smiled a bit. "Well, I'm glad that you're glad," he replied, nudging the other man a bit.

Harry rushed into the room. "Hey---my trunk's all packed."

Remus smiled, also glad for the distraction. "Great. Why don't you help me set the table?"

~*~

After waving to Harry, Ron, and Hermione, who were safely on the train that was pulling away from the platform, Remus turned to Molly and Arthur Weasley and smiled. "How'd you like to come back to Grimmauld Place for some tea?"

Molly smiled. "That would be lovely."

Remus looked at Bill a moment later. "You in?"

"Sure," he agreed easily.

He hadn't done it to keep himself from visiting Sirius---because it would have been expected from him, he offered. He didn't think Molly and Arthur would stay very long, and their presence would keep Bill's affections to himself. Plus, it kept them from being concerned about him locking himself up in the old house and hiding from the world.

At the end of the afternoon, Remus wanted nothing more than to sink down into the cellar and visit Sirius. He owed it to him---he hadn't visited yet that day and the bare room had to be boring, even though they didn't do anything when they were together. Remus was desperate for a recovery of any sort; he just wanted Sirius to look at him and say his name again and know where he was and who he was.

However, Bill hung behind. He waited until his parents were long gone, and then he said, quietly, "Are you alright, Remus?"

"Hmm? Yes, yes. Fine."

"You're... distant."

Remus wanted to snort and make fun of how Bill sounded. Suddenly he felt like he was dating a silly woman. You're so distant, we never talk anymore, honey. After we make love, you roll over and fall asleep and I'm so alone--- But, he bit his tongue and didn't say any of that. Instead, he looked into Bill's eyes and sighed. "I... it's hard."

"With me?"

"With everything, honestly," Remus replied, the words sounding believable.

Sirius, my partner, is back from the beyond. Of course it's hard. He bit down on his tongue again, and forced the thought to stay inside his head.

Bill squeezed his arm. "Alright. Well... I have to go to work." He sighed and then straightened his shoulders. "Y'know, if you need some company, call on me. I'll always come by."

"Yeah," Remus replied softly.

"But... I won't come by unless you call."

Remus didn't think this good-bye would hurt. They had been working towards it all day, apparently---dancing tiny, tentative steps around all that Remus wouldn't say. But, as he watched Bill open the door and step out onto the stoop, he felt his stomach tighten briefly.

He pulled Bill close, impulsively, for one more kiss. His fingers sought his hair and brushed up into the fang earring. Bill chuckled as Remus gave it a tiny tug and then he whispered, "Best not give the neighbours too much to look at, Lupin."

Remus blushed and rubbed Bill's cheek before they parted ways. Remus closed the door and and leaned upon it. He felt the sadness fade away, like the morning mist, and then a lighter feeling bubble up inside of him.

Padfoot.

~*~

At first, it was a blur.

Darkness.

Lights.

Sounds.

Faces.

It had been so different from the eternity before. Where nothing but pain existed, where no one had an identity---suddenly there was light and a peace he hadn't known in so long. Fear had been slowly replaced by a sense of calm. He could rest; nothing would chase after him and beat him into slavery again.

You are nothing here.

No, he existed there. He could rest there.

It had taken a while to get used to pleasant voices again, to having someone close. Having something sweet placed in his mouth was the strangest thing; his stomach churned, and he didn't understand at first. But, after everything that had happened, it started coming back to him.

Words escaped him. He felt everything as images. His heart relaxed when he had company; when it was one man in particular, he felt his head swim. He couldn't relate to what they were sharing with him, but he listened to the words---it was all he could do, letting it travel through his body and linger in his mind.

You are alone here.

There was a creaking noise. He had company.

Hesitantly he waited. It had been properly drilled into his mind that when something approached, he should be wary; he should be working so to avoid a punishment. But, in this warm place, nothing was demanded of him. He didn't have to behave, he didn't have to work.

Hands tugged at the blanket and brought it up over his shoulders. He sighed when he felt the soft fabric on his chest.

So warm... so gentle.

The fingers reached up and brushed his mane back off of his face. He forced himself to look up, eyes squinting in the dim light. He breathed a long, low sound and felt his eyes watering again.

That voice was speaking again, a soft voice that broke at certain intervals. He stretched out onto his back and listened.

He didn't know when he closed his eyes, but when he heard the sniffling, they popped open. He took in the man in front of him, shaking and wiping his face with quick, scrubbing motions, and he felt something sinking inside of him. Another, more anxious feeling rose and took a hold of his throat.

Slowly, he rolled over and lifted himself up. He didn't understand what had brought him up on his hands and knees. An impulse, something driving him towards the sounds and smells he enjoyed.

The sniffling stopped when his head connected with warmth. He rested there, letting himself lean on the trembling shoulder. He felt fingers reaching up and stroking him gently. He huffed and caught a musky smell... something else that didn't exist in the dark.

He moved his head slightly and connected with skin that wasn't human skin. Thick and heavy---with that musky smell.

It intrigued him. He nudged.

The voice broke again and a happier sound emerged.

"Pads," the voice said. "I suppose you want this back, yeah? I mean, now that you're back to claim it."

Soon, the thick strap was around his neck. The fingers were brushing his hair away and securing it to his neck. When the hands moved away, he felt warm metal resting over his collarbone.

"It always looked better on you. I look ridiculous in jewelry."

He sat back and stared at the man in front of him, seeing all of him for the first time since dropping out of the darkness.

Your loved ones think you are dead. Gone. You are gone.

He tilted his head and shook it. Those words seemed even farther away than before the collar had been wrapped around his neck. Something else seemed closer. Something warmer, safer, more certain.

Why are you wearing that ridiculous collar? You're not a dog now... are you trying to start a new trend?

His lips twitched slightly and he closed his eyes.

I'm not trying to start a trend. I'm taking myself off the market, Moony. Why don't you look at the inscription?

The fingers in front of him reached out and touched his chin before traveling lower and touching the charm.

"It brought you back to me, you know," the man's soft voice said.

He tilted his head the other way and then swallowed hard. He felt something moving in his chest, pushing upwards, trying to erupt out of his body.

"Mmm..."

Eyes widened.

He narrowed his own eyes and tried again. He was so close that he could taste it.

Well, that's fine and dandy, but only Prongs and Wormtail know what we call each other. And since I'm not competing with them for your affection---

"Mmmmm."

He sighed. Frustration was biting at the back of his throat and making his head hurt.

Moony, c'mon. I only want you. You know it. I belong to you, and I probably always have. Moony, Moony. Don't you like it, Moony?

"Moony? Moony." He sucked in a sharp breath. His throat burned, but he tried to talk again, because despite the pain, it felt so good. "Oh, god. Moony!"

He leaned in closer and rested against the other man. Words were bubbling up inside of him, pushing and kicking to come out first, and he had no control over the order. He didn't know what he was telling Remus, only that he was being listened to.

"Shhh... it's alright." Remus whispered raggedly. "I'm going to take care of you---I promise."

But Sirius kept going. He knew what he was, who he was, where he was, and---and it felt good! He wasn't no one anymore, he was Sirius Black. He had an identity, he had a home, he had everything he had been denied for so long.

"Shh, shh, you're hoarse," Remus whispered. "No one's coming after you... no one can find us down here. You're safe with me."

Sirius closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, replaying those words over and over in his head instead of the horrific soundtrack he had heard in the dark.

~*~

"Stop! Stop! Go! No!" Sirius hollered, trembling and thrashing in bed.

After his eyes popped open, Remus felt a foot in his back. He bolted upright without a thought, and hovered over Sirius, holding his arms over his head once he caught them in his hands.

"Sirius... hey, hey, wake up," he said patiently. "Sirius... it's only a dream. Just a dream. Hey... look at me. Open your eyes and look at me."

Sirius made a low whimpering noise and shook violently. "Ohh... it was... I..."

"Look at me," he said in that same soft and smooth tone. "I'm not letting you go until you look at me."

When he looked down into the stormy grey eyes, he smiled a bit. Sirius sighed and then whispered, "Don't let me go, Remus. Please don't."

"You want me to stay up like this all night?"

Sirius made a sharp sound of annoyance. "No."

"I can think of better ways to hold you," Remus whispered, leaning down to nuzzle Sirius' forehead. He made a soft noise and turned his head into the pillow, still trembling. "C'mon, Pads... take a deep breath. You know I'm going to stay right here. With you."

The dark man swallowed and nodded. "I... I know. Yeah. I'm just so fucking... so fucking scared."

"You're back," Remus whispered, letting one of his wrists go to touch the collar he had yet to take off in weeks. It seemed to be the one thing keeping him grounded, from flying back into insanity's clutches. He smiled and added, "You're back. I'm never letting you go again. Next time, I'm jumping in after you."

"You'll do no such bloody stupid thing!" Sirius huffed. "You... you don't get it! It's worse than the dementor's kiss. Worse than death, Moony! I... you will not--- promise me, Remus. Promise me you'll never---"

He would work himself up into a crazed frenzy at least once every couple of nights. Remus didn't always know what set him off, but he was beginning to get an idea of what he could say and what he couldn't.

"Promise me you'll give me no reason to jump in after you," Remus whispered, releasing his wrist so he could ease Sirius onto his side, and spoon him from behind. He rested his chin on Sirius' shoulder. "I can't lose you again."

Sirius trembled and carefully put his hands over Remus'. "I... I thought... I stopped thinking. I... I thought being trapped here was bad. I was so wrong. I thought Azkaban was bad. I was so fucking wrong, Moony."

Gently kissing Sirius' neck, Remus thought about all that Sirius had experienced. He wished he could take some of his burdens from him and carry them along. It hardly seemed fair that Sirius had so much darkness in his life.

"And the Ministry sends people through that as a punishment!" Sirius hissed. "It's ten times worse than death---"

"Shhh, Pads," Remus whispered. "You're going to have a heart attack at your age..."

"That's the other thing! I was there for years. Years. It wasn't a couple of months. My hair---"

"I know... almost down to your waist. Hair doesn't grow like that in a month," Remus whispered, trying to soothe him. Sirius made a grunting sound and Remus kissed the back of his head. "You need to rest."

"No, I don't! I need to... I need. I have to... think. Or---"

"Shhhh," Remus whispered. "Just listen to my voice, okay? I read this really boring book about wand maintenance while you were sleeping... I'll bet you can't wait to hear about---"

"Wait. Month. Moon. I... hold on, Remus---" Sirius rolled over quickly; too quickly for Remus to stop him. His eyes sparkled in the dim light. "When's the moon?"

"A week," Remus replied, fighting back a bit of laughter.

"I hate that I've missed so many---have you been taking your potions?"

The laughter bubbled up out of Remus' throat. He rolled onto his back and laughed more.

"What's so fucking funny?"

Remus chuckled and wheezed softly as he caught his breath. "Sorry, Pads... you just... you..."

"I care about you. You're too important. Have you been?"

Like a dog with a shiny new bone.

"Yes."

"Good!"

Sirius kissed Remus' cheek and then snuggled up again. Remus grinned and closed his eyes. That was the most Sirius-like thing he had done in a few days. Remus' heart swelled; he was getting another chance with his lover.

"I'm going with you," Sirius promised. "Next moon."

"Oh, no, you're not."

"I am! I am!"

"I can just put myself in the cage---"

Sirius shot up, looking down at him. There was no mane of hair hanging down in his face and there was no beard hiding his lips. It was just Sirius, all planes and angles and a hallowed expression---an expression that was full of fierce determination.

"You are NOT putting yourself in that cage! I am going to be with you!"

Remus sighed. Getting Sirius worked up was not what he wanted; his emotional strings were already too tight.

"Look... Padfoot, we have a week, alright? One week. We'll talk about it."

Sirius huffed and flopped down on his side of the bed, crossing his arms and muttering angrily under his breath. Remus inched closer and put his arms around the other man. The words stopped streaming out of his lips and his arms uncrossed.

Hands tangled.

Eyes closed.

They slept.

~*~

A few nights later, Sirius woke up suddenly. His heart was pounding---not because he had a nightmare, but because the other side of the bed was empty.

"Moony?" he whispered, voice hitching a bit.

He hated sounding so needy, but he couldn't help it. He needed Remus. He barely felt like himself, and when he became mixed up or afraid, it was Remus he depended upon to calm him down and straighten him out.

Remus didn't reply. Sirius inhaled sharply and stood up, worried about his partner because he rarely had to get up in the middle of the night.

Please let him still be in the house...

He walked down the hall a bit, towards the washroom once he saw the light was on. The door was closed, but the light was shining underneath it, spilling out onto the well-worn wooden floor.

A few feet from the door, he heard a strangled whimper. His eyes widened and his very first instinct was to jump in after Remus. He had to be in trouble---he never made that sound.

Unless...

Sirius blushed and thought about walking away, but then the pounding of his heart stopped being so incredibly loud and he decided to tap lightly.

"Moony?"

Remus' response was rushed. "Beoutinabit."

"I'm coming in, so---"

"No, don't! I'm alright, Pads... I just---"

Sirius opened the door and had prepared a stern glare for Remus, a look to tell him Oh, don't be silly. I know what you're up to in here; however, when he saw Remus lying back on the floor his glare melted.

Remus' head was tipped back, showing off pale skin from his jaw to his collarbone. His chest was bare, a dampness creeping through his flesh. One hand was in the bath mat. The other was wrapped tightly around his erection. His pants were bunched up at his ankles.

"Ohhh... well, this is the best thing I've seen since coming back," Sirius whispered.

"Go... go on," Remus mumbled, tucking his chin down again while his cheeks and ears flushed a hot pink.

Sirius crouched down in front of him. "What, Moony? Embarrassed? You woke up after a really good dream... so what?"

"We can't... I don't want to rub your---"

"We can't because you say we can't," Sirius reminded him. At Remus' raised eyebrow, Sirius added. "Why couldn't you just--- why do you have to hide it from me?"

Remus didn't answer.

Sirius crawled up Remus' body. "Remus."

"Sirius."

"I'm not going to break."

Remus looked up and whimpered. Sirius saw some of that scared boy he used to be, hiding in the shadows of his eyes, before he blinked and spoke. "I'm not willing to take that chance yet. It's too soon. I can't... I don't want to set us back even more---"

"I am not going to break," Sirius growled. "I remember how you get around this time of the month. At least let me help a bit."

"Help?"

"You haven't even kissed me properly since... since I... y'know." Remus closed his eyes and looked away. Sirius forced his head back. "I was scared that you left on some Order thing and didn't tell me," he whispered.

"I'm not going anywhere without telling you first," Remus promised.

Sirius smiled a bit. He knew that---Remus didn't have to tell him again. But, hearing the words did soothe the knot in his stomach. Sirius reached up and ran his fingers through Remus' hair. "I..."

"I know," Remus whispered.

Of course, he did.

The dark man smiled and leaned in. He pressed his lips to Remus' and held himself there for a few seconds. Then, he deepened the kiss; he had to admit it didn't have the style he usually brought to the bedroom, but it wasn't bad for a first kiss in years.

Remus groaned more loudly. Sirius smiled and put his hand on Remus' chest and traced over the faint scars. His lover trembled slightly and then broke the kiss to groan again. His body tensed and then relaxed, and a long whimper escaped his lips.

Sirius leaned in and kissed Remus again. Then, he whispered, "Was that so bad?"

"N-no," Remus whispered back. "Pretty dead on... I mean, all things considering. You know."

"Yeah, I know," Sirius said in a dark voice. "You made a mess, Moony. Can't take you anywhere."

Remus opened his eyes and looked at him. Sirius tried so hard to tell him what he needed; but it was even harder to do that when he didn't know what he needed. He just knew that he needed something. Something to make everything in his head stop spinning. Something to make everything simple.

A few quiet minutes passed. Remus studied him with curious eyes and then he asked, "Do you want to clean it up?"

Yes.

Remus started to reach for a towel, but Sirius smiled and ducked his head. Remus whimpered again---quiet, high, in the back of his throat---as Sirius lapped at his damp skin, taking the white fluid up onto his tongue and making it disappear from sight. Once he had finished, he buried his face into Remus' hip and inhaled. Instinct told him to stay there; he felt safe against Remus' skin.

He cuddled there for a few minutes, stopped only by Remus' fingers. They slipped under the collar and pulled him up.

"Thank you," Remus whispered. He leaned in and kissed Sirius' forehead and then pulled him up against his torso.

Sirius found it was more comfortable to rest his head over Remus' heart.

~*~

Remus woke up as the dawn was breaking outside and let a soft sight escape his lips. Sirius opened one eye and snorted, before curling up into him, letting their limbs tangle lazily.

"It's always better with you," Remus whispered.

"I know," Sirius replied. Remus could hear the smugness seeping into his voice again, but he didn't respond to it. It was another piece of the puzzle coming into place.

"Y'know what we should do after this?" Sirius murmured, letting his lips tickle Remus' throat.

"Mmmm... no. What?"

"Go take a long bath," he replied in that same warm tone. Remus felt his insides curl up at the thought of soaking in warm water, with his arms wrapped around Sirius' thin body.

"Y'know... that might... might be good," Remus whispered.

Sirius kissed his chin. "Can you find your wand alright?"

"Nuh," Remus grunted, tightening his hold on Sirius. The last thing he wanted to do was find his wand. That would mean getting up, unlocking the door, and walking would follow, and he didn't want to do those things for a long time.

The dark man laughed quietly. "Just as well... I didn't want to get up just yet, anyway."

~*~

Every morning was the same, Harry thought to himself as he shuffled down to the Great Hall. Toast, juice, owls---but no owl for him---and then onto the rest of his life.

But, what about Sirius?

Since it was a Saturday, that meant quidditch practice. He could find some small amount of comfort in knowing that soon he would be in his element, focused on trying to enjoy himself.

But, what about Sirius?

Remus had yet to send him any word of Sirius' condition, and the silence was driving Harry slightly mad. He deserved to know what was happening! He needed to know! He... he wanted to know if his godfather was ever coming back!

"Uhhh, Harry... y'alright?"

Harry looked at Ron and nodded, not really caring if his response was believable or not. Lying to Ron and Hermione about Sirius might have been one of the most difficult things he had ever done, but he knew why he kept the charade going.

The owls flew into the room and started for those whose mail they had gathered. Harry's eyes lit up for a brief moment, a fleeting moment that seemed to fade away the instant he didn't spot Hedwig.

He sighed and glumly turned back to his last piece of toast. Hermione put her hand on his arm. "Harry?"

"I'm fine, Hermione," he muttered.

"Yes, I'm sure you are," she said dryly. "But, that wasn't what I was going to say."

"Oh? And what were you---"

Harry had followed Hermione's pointed gesture and saw Professor Dumbledore behind him. The old wizard smiled. "Good morning, Harry."

"Oh... good morning," Harry said, trying not to sound too strained.

"After your quidditch practice," he continued, looking at Harry over his half-moon spectacles, "Would you meet me at my office?"

But, I haven't done anything!

Harry's eyebrows furrowed. Then, he nodded. "Sure. Alright."

Professor Dumbledore smiled cryptically and then looked at Ron and Hermione with a pleasant expression still on his face. He nodded once, and then continued along to the staff table.

Hermione leaned in. "What do you suppose that's about?"

Harry shrugged and adjusted his glasses. "I... I don't know. Suppose I'll find out though."

~*~

Remus eyed Sirius, who was twitching nervously. It wasn't enough to make him concerned, though; Sirius was nervous because he was in Dumbledore's office, because he had endured a lengthy series of questions from the older professor, because he was about to see Harry for the first time since the teenager left for school.

"You alright?" Remus asked, more for Sirius' benefit.

Sirius nodded jerkily.

The fairer man leaned over and put his hands over Sirius' fingers. Sirius sighed and gave his partner a smile. "Sorry. I'm being such a---"

"Shhh."

"I---"

"Shhh," Remus repeated, tipping Sirius' face towards his so they would have to make eye contact. "Listen to me. Harry is going to be happy to see you. You're going to make his day---just the way you are."

After those words were spoken, Sirius nodded and relaxed a bit. Remus smiled. Sirius seemed to need more assurances, but he didn't mind giving them.

Their relationship had shifted. Sirius was less dominant in the home, as well. He wanted to be given directions and he seemed to live for the praise that followed. He wanted to be taken care of more. So, Remus had to tailor his own behavior a bit to match Sirius' needs---something he was more than happy to do.

They still had a balanced relationship, and both of them seemed to be happy.

Albus came into the office first. "Harry will arrive shortly. He's just coming in from quidditch practice."

Sirius nodded and looked at Remus.

"Deep breath," Remus whispered.

He nodded again, and then took two deep breaths in to level his system off.

Remus smiled and squeezed Sirius' hand in his. Sirius looked nervous until Harry walked into the room and saw both men sitting in front of the headmaster's desk. Remus couldn't smother the soft chuckle he felt erupt inside of him when Harry's jaw dropped---along with his broom and bag.

"Sirius?"

"Hey, Harry."

"Oh... holy--- I--- so, you're really you and all that?"

Sirius smirked. "What, and leave you and Moony to run the house?" He stood up and for a minute looked as if he was having thoughts of hesitation. But, then, Harry launched himself at Sirius and hugged him close. "So, you missed me, I'm guessing," he tried to joke.

Harry looked up and nodded; Remus didn't know if he was seeing more of a younger, lighter-spirited Harry, or James.

"Yeah! Of course... I--- I hadn't heard---"

Sirius tried to hide the way his ears turned pink, by ducking his head a bit. But, Remus guessed it was difficult to do without long hair.

"We... we wanted to surprise you," Sirius said gruffly, voice thick with emotion.

Harry grinned and hugged Sirius again before stepping back. He kind of fell back into his usual demeanor---that of a teenaged boy---again. Remus smothered his laugh successfully that time and continued to watch on in silence as Harry and his godfather caught up on everything that was going on in their lives.

~*~

He's back. He's back. He's back. He's back.

Harry felt as though he was floating back to Gryffindor Tower. He didn't remember his feet ever touching the ground. When he crawled through the portrait hole, he saw Ron and Hermione studying at one of the tables away from the middle of the room's activity.

Ron looked up first. Eyes wide, eyebrows lifted high, he asked, "What was it all about?"

Harry tried to talk, but all he could do was grin.

"Oh, c'mon, Harry!" Ron pushed. "What is it? What's happened?"

A light feeling bubbled up inside of him and he burst out laughing; the sound was giddy, and it made Hermione and Ron look at each other in confusion.

"Have you... have you gone mad?" Ron blurted out.

Harry shook his head and tried to get a grip on his laughter. "S-sorry," he panted. "No... I haven't gone mad! I'm---I'm happy."

Hermione's smile was slow, but once it reached her eyes, her lips stretched practically from ear to ear. "What is it?" she asked. "Have they made you captain or something, or---"

"No! Nothing like that. This is like... like... like nothing else. There's..." he looked around the room and then leaned in close. "I... I don't know how it's happened, but it's happened. Dumbledore and Lupin know more, but I don't care about the why---"

"Harry!" Hermione scolded in a hissing whispered. "Slow down and get to it."

Harry blushed a bit and adjusted his glasses. He sucked in a long breath and then said, "Snuffles is back."

Ron's eyebrows shot up even higher; Harry wondered if they could disappear off of his face.

"What?!" Hermione demanded as quietly as she could. "Har-ry! That's just not possible! He died and you need to come to grips with---"

"He came back!" Harry persisted. "I saw him!"

Hermione studied his face for a minute. Then, she sighed and brushed her thick, brown hair out of her eyes. "Harry... you're quite serious, aren't you?"

"Yes!"

She exchanged a look with Ron, who shrugged in silent response.

Harry sighed. "He's back. He---"

"Well, tell us everything," Ron suggested. "You can't just say something like 'Snuffles is back' and then expect us to leave it at that, can you? Details! We need details!"

After a deep breath, Harry launched into the story; his voice never grew louder than a whisper as he explained the crash in the cellar and then finding Sirius in his wild state, and then how Remus was taking care of him. Hermione's and Ron's eyes were wide by the time he finished telling them what the men had told him in Dumbledore's office a few moments ago.

"So... he's really back," Hermione whispered.

"Yes!" Harry exclaimed.

"Wow," Ron commented, looking a little dazed and confused.

"I know," Harry agreed, before grinning and letting another laugh escape his lips.

~*~

"What time is it?" Sirius asked impatiently.

Remus laughed, grinning from ear to ear. Sirius pounced onto the sofa, where Remus had been lounging and reading, and shook him a bit---which only made him laugh more.

"Oh, you're so incredibly frustrating, Moony!"

Gasping for breath, Remus looked at his watch. "Padfoot, you still have two hours before I'm going to go pick him up."

"Lemme come," Sirius pleaded. "It's Christmas! I want to--- I'll change into my other---"

"Better," Remus interjected.

"---self," Sirius finished, before sending an annoyed expression Remus' way. Remus laughed again and leaned over to kiss Sirius' pouting lips. "Don't think you can kiss your way out of everything."

Remus' lips twitched as he said, "Well, I'll make it up to you later tonight. Alright?"

"What are you proposing, Professor Lupin?"

He snorted and rolled his eyes. "You're such a goof---"

"Hey!"

Remus laughed and then reached over and brushed his fingers across Sirius' cheek. "You're really looking forward to this holiday, aren't you?"

"I'm glad Harry decided to come... we'll be like a family," Sirius said softly, earnestly. "I... I want this."

He nodded and kissed Sirius' chin and lips. "Good. I'm glad you're happy."

"Are you happy?"

Remus looked up and nodded. "Yes, you idiot," he said dryly.

Sirius beamed at him; for a fleeting moment, Remus thought he saw the years being lifted out of his dark eyes. He smiled back. Then, Sirius waggled his eyebrows. "How about I get my treat now?"

"Treat..." Remus whispered. "Did I say anything about a treat?"

Sirius leaned in. "You said you'd make it up to me," he reminded him.

"Ah... so I did," Remus teased with a grin.

"You are soooo frustrating."

Remus laughed and took Sirius' hand in his. After placing several kisses along Sirius' wrist, he whispered, "Why don't you go upstairs, undress, and wait on the bed for me?"

That demand seemed to be music to Sirius' ears. His expression lightened again and he whispered back, "Now?"

"Yes," Remus said softly, nodding.

Sirius stood up and walked as calmly as he could to the bedroom, a silly grin plastered on his face. Remus chuckled under his breath and then stood up. He picked up his coffee cup and headed into the kitchen to clean up a bit---and to give him time to plan.

He knew he had to be careful. Sirius was stronger---both physically and mentally---but their new balance was just that: new. He had to be careful not to take advantage, not to push Sirius too far too fast. They had to go at Sirius' speed, while making it appear that Remus was in control.

Reading Sirius had always come easy to him. He was like a book that he loved reading and rereading. He knew what each expression, gasp, sigh, and moan meant. He knew when to back off and when to push ahead---

---but that knowledge had been gathered before he disappeared through the veil.

Sirius was still the same, basically. But there were new quirks and habits that he had to be aware of...

He inhaled sharply and stiffened his spine. He could already feel his pulse racing, his blood traveling south. He wanted Sirius in whatever way he could have him; if it meant being careful and more attentive than he generally was, he would be those things.

For Sirius.

"Oh, for Merlin's sake!" Sirius bellowed from upstairs. "Did you get lost?"

Remus chuckled and turned, heading towards the staircase. As he climbed it, he called back, "Did I give you permission to speak?"

Sirius was kneeling at the foot of the bed, incredibly bare and handsome. His eyebrows were furrowed and he was pouting.

"Sirius?"

"No, but---"

"No speaking," Remus interrupted in a patient voice.

Sirius sighed, opened his mouth, and then closed it again. Remus smiled and walked closer to Sirius. His eyes raked hungrily over his naked body, and he imagined tasting and touching every inch of skin. He wanted to for weeks, and his desires hadn't waned.

"You're so beautiful," Remus whispered, reaching up and brushing his fingers from Sirius' neck to the collar and the charm, and then down a straight line along the centre of his torso. As he appreciated Sirius' body, Remus felt the man tremble slightly.

Remus watched him carefully for a moment, and then he used his fingers to trace over the old ink patterns and the new battle scars. Sirius flinched, but Remus pressed on. "Beautiful," he repeated.

Sirius whimpered quietly, keeping his eyes on Remus throughout the appraisal.

With a smile, Remus inched closer and put his arm around Sirius' body. His other arm lifted so his hand could cup Sirius' face. Then, he leaned in and kissed his lover gently at first.

Sirius tried to deepen the kiss, but after Remus grunted and kept the kiss as shallow as possible, Sirius relaxed and let Remus control it.

He seemed more relaxed once he realised that he wasn't in charge. That slight slack in Sirius' body made Remus smile; it was what he wanted. He wanted Sirius to feel comfortable and safe, yet get everything he needed from their intimate time.

Remus spent a long time kissing from Sirius' lips to his jaw. He nibbled over the bone and listened in delight as Sirius' breath hitched in his throat.

When he was certain he had a very willing lover with him, he lifted his head and asked, "What do you want?"

Sirius blinked. The question had confused him. Remus smiled and repeated himself patiently, while stroking his fingers through Sirius' short, yet still unruly, hair.

"I... I want you."

"How?" Remus asked patiently.

Sirius screwed his face up and blushed. "Like always, Remus," he whispered. "I... I want you."

Remus smiled and let his hand cup him from behind. "Back here?" Remus asked. "Do you want to look at me while we fuck? Or would you rather if it your face was buried in the pillow as I thrust into you? Or... do you want my mouth down there... this is about you, Padfoot."

Sirius blanched a bit. "Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?"

"Only you." Remus smirked.

Sirius smiled back and whispered, "I want you. I want to feel... I want to see. I want... you know what I want, damnit."

"I want to hear you say it."

"Can't I just undress you instead?" Sirius asked sheepishly.

Remus raised an eyebrow.

Sirius' defenses crumpled and on a rush of air, he hissed: "I want you to fuck me while I'm looking at you."

Lips sought skin; gentle kisses only frustrated both of them. Remus wanted to taste everything, and Sirius desperately needed to be tasted. Remus could feel the energy rolling off of his slight form in waves.

"Undress me," Remus commanded.

It sounded more like a plea.

Sirius smiled and reached up, eager and trembling fingers tugged at each button of Remus' shirt jerkily. After he struggled with one button for far too long, Remus put his hands over Sirius' and guided him. The gesture went a long way; Sirius took the deep breaths he needed and together they finished the shirt.

He went onto the pants without Remus' guidance. Once pants and shorts were at his knees, Remus leaned down and stepped out of them.

There weren't many more words after this point. Remus watched Sirius carefully; when he seemed to need reassurance, he spoke. But, that was the only reason he said anything constructive. By the time he was buried inside of his lover, words were barely within his grasp.

Sirius was panting underneath him, writhing a little and making tiny mewling noises. Remus thrust his hips carefully, making sure he was following the perfect angle; he felt Sirius' fingers traveling up his arms, nails cutting tiny half-moons into his pale skin. The mewling increased in volume. A heavy panting could be heard---moments later, Remus realised it was his own ragged breathing that filled the air.

He reached down and at first used gentle strokes around Sirius' erection for added stimulation, but at the sound of desperate whimpers, he sped his hand up and squeezed his fingers more.

The dark man's whimper turned into a low rumble; Remus would have smiled but he was having too much trouble remembering to watch Sirius and pay attention to the signs---on top of breathing.

Sirius tensed first; he cried out, babbling until his body sagged. He moaned as Remus' strokes slowed down, and then sped up. Remus was groaning, and within seconds, he had yelped his lover's name and returned to panting hoarsely.

His body sagged down, all of the tension drained from it.

"Fuck," Sirius whispered raggedly.

Remus hummed in agreement. He kissed Sirius' chapped lips as he withdrew from his body. Sirius didn't waste any time; the moment they were apart, he moved to be closer. Remus brushed his fingers over Sirius' head and used his other arm to pull him closer.

"Sleep for twenty minutes," Remus whispered.

"One hour."

"Thirty minutes."

"Fifty."

Remus laughed and then said, "Forty-five."

As the words left his lips, he heard Sirius say the exact same thing. He laughed more, tucking his face into his lover's neck. He could smell sex, skin, sweat, and leather, and it was the most incredible smell in the world.

~*~

Remus had been coming down the main staircase when the front door opened. His eyes snapped up and he thought about his wand, but when he saw the redheaded man walk through the door, he relaxed.

"Bill. I thought we said---"

"I know. I'm early."

He tried to direct Bill to the living room, but there was a yelp and a growl from the kitchen---followed by two voices and fits of laughter---and that piqued the younger man's interest.

"You have company," he said softly, disappointment creeping into his voice. "For the holidays?"

"Yes..." Remus said slowly. "Harry's here, and---"

"Moony!" Sirius called out. "We might have wrecked the kitchen!"

Remus tried to supress the smile he felt creeping upon his lips, but he couldn't. Bill's jaw dropped. "What are you playing at, Remus?"

"I... what?"

Bill marched down the hall to the kitchen and saw Harry and Sirius covered in some sort of chocolate batter, grinning like complete fools. Bill ran a hand through his long, ginger hair and then he looked at Remus.

Remus shrugged, at a loss for words. Then, he looked at Sirius and groaned. "Don't rub it into the floor, idiot," he scolded, earning a smirk from the dark man. "Go clean it up or something."

"You don't like me covered in chocolate batter?" Sirius teased.

Harry groaned and dropped down onto his back again. Remus smiled at Sirius and said, "Stop it, Pads. You're embarrassing him."

Sirius stood up and brushed himself off. Remus winced as a spray of batter ended up dusting his and Bill's clothing.

"Sorry, Moony," Sirius murmured as he approached. Remus rolled his eyes and performed a quick cleaning spell on the scene. "Thanks," the dark man added, smiling more.

Remus watched as something caught his attention. He paused and tilted his head, sniffing the air around Bill. "Ohhhh," Sirius said softly. "Now, I get it."

"I'm so out of here," Harry muttered as he made his way out of the room. He slowed down long enough to call out over his shoulder, "Call me when there's really food!"

Bill blushed. "What do you mean?"

"You two... had a thing. I knew I smelled something else on Moony, before---"

Remus looked at Sirius. "Yes, but---"

"Hold on," Bill interupted. "How is---how are you here right now? I don't... I don't get it. Were you always here?" He turned on Remus. "Were you just using me while you two had broken up? Mum told me that---" he paused. "But you were really---"

"Grieving, yes," Remus said softly, looking at Sirius again.

Oh, for Merlin's sake. It's all so bloody simple.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Look. I was gone. But, I came back."

"Wh-where were you?"

"I went through the veil, boy," he grumped. "No one's supposed to come back, but hey, I always prided myself on being an original."

"An original something," Remus muttered, glaring at him. He wanted to handle this himself. He wanted to take Bill into another room and calmly explain everything. But, Sirius seemed hellbent on taking care of explanations himself.

Bill thought on everything for a moment. "Does---"

"The Order knows," Remus answered before Bill could finish. "And yes, it's really him."

"How did---"

"We'll never really know for sure," he continued. "But, he's back."

The redhead frowned. "When---"

"Right before we decided to stop whatever we were doing," Remus said cryptically. He hadn't really known what he and Bill had been engaging in---and he had been engaging in it.

Bill frowned more. Then, he laughed; the sound was hollow and far from joyous. "I knew I didn't really have a chance---even when we all thought he was gone."

"Bill..."

"You two are a pair."

"No one else'll love him," Remus said dryly, which only earned a sharp poke in the ribs from Sirius and another frown from Bill. Feeling as though he should be more serious, he added, "But, I... I do value our... time. I mean---"

You made me feel like someone would want me again, like I could want someone again.

The words were stuck in his throat and they were not come out, but Bill's frown curled into a smile again and he nodded. "Yeah, I know."

"Do you want to stay and watch the baking---"

"Nah," Bill said with a shake of his head. "Maybe some other time."

Remus saw that Sirius was about to say something, but one look kept the comment unspoken. He followed Bill out to the front door. "Are you..."

"You're lucky, you know that?" Bill asked.

He nodded. "Yeah, I do."

They stared at each other for a moment, and then Remus started speaking again. "Bill... I want you to know, what you did... well, without you, I probably wouldn't be here, and---"

"I get it."

"You're important to me," Remus insisted. "But, Sirius... he's my... my---well, simply put, he's everything to me."

Bill nodded. "I hope you two are luckier this time around."

"Third time's supposed to be the charm," Remus replied with a tiny smile and a shrug.

He watched the redhead leave the house and felt a slight sad tugging in the pit of his stomach. He sighed and locked the front door, and was about to turn, but he felt Sirius wrap his arms around his body.

"There better not be any cake batter---"

"Well, you performed the cleansing spell," Siriurs replied, the words muffled because his face was tucked into Remus' shoulder. "Didn't you do it properly, Moony?"

Remus smiled and put his hands over Sirius' before saying, "I'm sorry you had to see---"

"I didn't think you'd go and become a nun, lunatic," he scolded in a rough voice. "I know I wasn't dead, but you certainly didn't."

"Still..."

"Still, nothin'," Sirius grunted. "I've got you now."

Remus shivered as Sirius' grip tightened, as his lips kissed and sucked. "God, Sirius... you've always had me," he breathed. "I've been thoroughly spoiled for anyone else."

"Mmmm... now, that, I like the sounds of," Sirius purred.

They played like that for a few minutes, before Remus squeaked, "The cake."

Sirius chuckled. "Yeah? What about it?"

Remus laughed and shook his head. "You and Harry were busy remember?" He turned and saw Sirius' expression of disappointment. "We'll save it for later, Padfoot, alright?"

"Promise?"

"It's pretty much a guarantee," Remus breathed as he reluctantly stepped away.

~*~

Remus looked up from his book when Sirius came into the room. Sirius grinned. "Merry Christmas, Moony."

His stomach tightened when Remus smiled and replied, "Merry Christmas, Padfoot."

"Harry's asleep," he whispered as he crept closer, holding the mug in his hands. He set it down carefully on the bedside table and started undressing so he matched Remus, who was lounging naked in bed.

"What's in the mug?" Remus asked, looking intrigued.

Sirius blushed. "Hot chocolate."

"For me?"

"Well, technically."

"Technically?" Remus asked, eyebrow arched.

The book was set aside as Sirius nodded. "Well, yeah."

"You're going to have to explain that a slight bit better, Pads."

Sirius smiled; apprehension had been creeping through his body, but when he met Remus' eyes, the knots of tension slowly untied themselves.

After he was settled in bed with the mug in his hands again, he said, "Well... I've been remembering things. I... you fed me."

Remus' lips stretched into a grin. "I did," he murmured. "With my finger, because you wouldn't drink or eat anything. Idiot."

Sirius rolled his eyes. Then, he nodded. "Yeah, so, anyway. I was in the kitchen... and I... I had a crazy idea."

"Not so crazy," Remus assured him, taking the mug of the sweet, warm liquid out of his hands.

"You'll do it?"

"I'd do anything for you," the fair man whispered.

With a grin of his own, Sirius slowly moved so he was curled up against his lover's body. Remus smiled and dipped his finger into the drink. Then, he brought it up to Sirius' lips and sighed contentedly as Sirius lapped it up.

Delicious.

Remus chuckled softly and continued feeding Sirius, who felt so happy he believed he would actually start purring if it were possible. Remus leaned down and kissed him after a few servings of chocolate; they drew the embrace out for as long as possible, and then, Remus returned to feeding him.

The warmth inside of his body spread from his centre; by the time the mug was nearly empty, Sirius was feeling feverish from head to toe. One look at Remus told him that his lover felt the same way.

The mug was discarded. Sirius put his tongue to better use. As they kissed and moved to a rhythm that played somewhere in their blood, Sirius realised how lucky he was.

Remus nibbled on his lower lip and waited for the moan. Sirius didn't disappoint; the noise came from his stomach and rumbled in his throat.

As the room fell silent again, Remus leaned in and whispered, "I love you, Sirius."

Sirius' heart grew more; he knew he had never felt so whole as when he was with Remus. He knew this was where he belonged. He knew he wouldn't leave his family again.

And, then, for the first time since dropping back into his world, he whispered, "I love you, too, Remus."