Warrick’s words are still ringing in my ears. He said: “Gris said that when he finally leaves CSI, there won’t be a cake in the break room. He didn’t want a send off. He just said he’d be gone.”
He’s gone.
The department didn’t put Warrick in charge. Instead, they chose me. Everyone accepted it; they were all so supportive. Nick even offered to help me redecorate his office. Everyone knew how hard it would be for me to replace him. How could I ever think to replace him. He’s an immortal essence; he’ll live on in this building as long as people continue to talk about him.
I couldn’t redecorate his office. I kept all of his shelves, the grey colour scheme, even that sofa. Good memories were dying around me. That sofa... We spent so much time on that; at first it was just talking, some sleeping, but then it became more. After he opened up and told me the truth, we became inseparable. And, then, we became lovers.
On that stupid sofa. What a first time. We did eventually make it to the bedroom, but it took so long. I forgot how hard it was to make a relationship work.
Relationship. That word makes me snort, shiver, and then cry. Maybe we never had a relationship. Maybe I was just a distraction, a game, a crossword puzzle even.
But, he told me he loved me.
And, I believed it.
That makes me a depressed, ditched—even duped—sap who can’t stop looking around *his* office and seeing him everywhere.
I’m so tired of feeling this way. I want him to leave me alone, but he won’t. He just lingers; his spirit is still floating here.
***my immortal***
***i'm so tired of being here***
***suppressed by all of my childish fears***
***and if you have to leave***
***i wish that you would just leave***
***because your presence still lingers here***
***and it won't leave me alone***
The first time we kissed, it was on my porch. He dropped me off after a long and painful case, and helped me to my door. I reached to hug him, to thank him for being so supportive, and as we neared, it just happened. It had been the most natural thing I had done in weeks.
He just smiled and said, “Take care of yourself. I’ll see you tonight.”
I even asked him if he wanted to come in. I wanted him so badly; we had spent so many years denying how we felt, and I didn’t want to deny it anymore. He just squeezed my hand and said: “Catherine,” his voice was deeper. “I’ll see you tonight.”
I sighed and kissed his cheek; when I fell back, he kissed my lips and wrapped one arm around my waist. We broke the embrace and he buried his face in my hair. “I’ve wanted to do this for so long.”
“Me, too.”
We grinned at each other, and then he turned and walked away.
When I saw him at the lab, he grinned at me in that same way that he did on my porch that morning. We didn’t get to talk much, and he put me on a case with Nicky, while Warrick and Sara worked together, while he did some more of that paperwork he hated so much.
I couldn’t wait until I had been done. I waved goodbye to the rest of the team, and hurried into Gil’s office, eager to rescue him.
He was standing up, reading something, when I came in and shut the door behind him. I tossed the file on the ground, and reached for him.
We christened the sofa.
***these wounds won't seem to heal***
***this pain is just too real***
***there's just too much that time cannot erase***
God, I hate that sofa now. It’s making a mockery of me.
It’s just not fair. We were partners in so many meanings of the word. I took a week off once, to spend time with Lindsey; he called crying, because of a case involving a young family. A woman and child were killed. He kept thinking about what would happen if it had been my daughter and I.
I invited him over. He rushed over, and lost himself in Lindsey and I. He held my darling daughter while we watched a movie, while I wiped his tears. He scared me, so upset as he was, but I supported him; I helped him.
After the movie, we just went to bed. I wasn’t sleeping on the same schedule as he was, since I was vacationing, but I wrapped myself around him, and held him while he slept. When he had a nightmare, I’d wake him up and rock him back to sleep again.
When he woke up, he kissed me and said: “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
***when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears***
***when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears***
***and i've held your hand through all of these years***
***but you still have all of me***
Liar. I can’t believe I fell for him.
Did he think he needed some complex plan to get me to bed? He didn’t need to pretend he needed me or loved me. All he’d have to do was sit there and have a conversation with me; one of those ones where he completely wrapped his audience in his passion. I would’ve slept with him after one of those. He didn’t need to be sweet, smell my hair, and tell me how much he loved me. He just needed to be himself.
***you used to captivate me***
***by your resonating light***
***but now i'm bound by the life you left behind***
***your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams***
***your voice it chased away all the sanity in me***
And now, I’m stuck in his office, trying to do his paperwork, and all the memories of him are chasing me. I can’t stand this.
Glancing at the paperweight on the desk—I think it was his, but I’m not entirely sure, one of those relics that has just always been in the office—I pick it up and launch it.
“Hey, whoa!” Warrick said, ducking as the rock whizzed past him and into the wall. He glanced back at the hole I left, and then at me again. I blushed and struggled to keep the tears at bay. ”Catherine, what’s wrong?”
I shrugged. He came closer, and sat down on the edge of the desk. He persisted. “Catherine...”
“Why didn’t he tell me he was quitting?”
As I burst into tears—something I only did in front of Warrick—he picked me up out of the chair and sat down in it so he could hold me.
He rocked me back and forth, and let me sob and whimper and babble about how hurt I was. When I finished, he kissed my forehead. “You can’t keep doing this to yourself.”
“I don’t know how to stop. It hurts to much,” I admitted.
He squeezed me to him, and asked: “How’s Lindsey handling it?”
“She misses him, too. She thinks it was her fault, she thinks she killed her dad, and now she made Gil go away, too.”
“You know that’s not true. She has to—”
“I keep telling her it’s my fault, but then we just fight more, and...” I stopped talking and sighed. Then, I glanced at him. “Let’s not talk about this anymore. I guess the team wants their assignments?”
“Something like that,” he replied. “But it can wait until you’re feeling better.”
***these wounds won't seem to heal***
***this pain is just too real***
***there's just too much that time cannot erase***
But, the truth is... I don’t think I’ll ever feel better.
***when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears***
***when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears***
***and i've held your hand through all of these years***
***but you still have all of me***
Warrick left me to compose myself. I stood up and wiped my face. He would never leave me, even if he physically did.
I hated him so much for that.
But, I still love him.
Even if he’s left me alone.
***i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone***
***and though you're still with me***
***i've been alone all along***
The End!
